josh abe

our father who art in heaven cacio be thy pepe

honestly it makes sense now why Nellie in the Office didn’t know what a taco was.

are you bisexual or do you just use a propane tank as a water bottle

how old am i? i’m old enough to remember when you could make it so when your friend called your razr phone it would play ocean avenue

it’s so cute to see a couple of best friends dressed in their little matching outfits or sports jerseys or whatever they call them.

the cacio in me honors the pepe in you.

he’s a 10 but he just wants four walls and adobe slats for my girls.

people who like james corden and jimmy fallon also have rose apothecary merch.

he’s a 10 but his skin is pale white and ice-cold. his eyes change color and sometimes he speaks like he’s from a different time. he never eats or drinks anything. he doesn’t go out in the sunlight.

“we will adopt your baby”

democracy in america is like when you give your little brother a disconnected controller so he thinks he’s playing.

republicans: “if we don’t like the results of the vote, we will literally break into the building and hang the vice president” democrats: “we’ve got lin-manuel miranda here to do an interpretive tiktok dance, and amanda gorman knitted hats for everyone. that’ll show em.”

apostolic shitz

not all who wander are lost.

if you buy one bottle of wine at Trader Joe’s, the cashier is legally required to say “oh! someone’s having a party!”

@Nick_Offerman i just finished your most recent tome, and not only did i find it roborative, i also wanted to commend a rendition of its titular song i think you will find extremely apropos. open.spotify.com/track/3gigpgM0…

if you think critical race theory is going to make you feel bad, just wait until i tell you about the theology of original sin.

bachelorette: will you accept this rose? bachelor: [swallows the rose whole] *gulp* of course i will.

if a waiter says “be careful, this plate is really hot” you can bet i’m one hundred percent going to touch that plate.

how to sew on a button: a thread 🧵