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I keep telling wimens wajue kuomba mechi. Jiombee hii brungo Susanna. Hamtaumwa na tumbo. Repeat after me. Tell that guy unatakaga akukojoleshe, You, Me, Mechi, Now!.
Take for example this neighbour of mine back in Mombasa. We used to stay in the same "plot" hapo Mtopanga. The whole "Ploti", sote tulikuwa mabachelor na mabachelorette except this one woman. She told us, "Mimi ni mke wa mtu msinione hivyo. Bwanangu alienda uharabuni".
Mechi zilikuwa zinatembea hio "ploti", wacha tu.
For two years, I hadn't seen anyone come or go in her house. She woke up one day asubuhi and told me, "hii Ploti iko na mashetani. Wamenit*mba usiku mzima".
"Uko sure sio ndoto mami?", I asked her.
"Ndoto na mpaka nilimwaga. Nilishusha sana", she exclaimed.
My mind was screaming, "too much information". But watu wa Mombasa kitu hawanaga ni haya.
"Ulikuwa macho", I asked her.
"Nilikuwa usingizini. Lakini ilikuwa real na tena tamu. Nikiamka ndio nilikuwa namwaga", she told me.
Aiiiiiiiii.
Hata nyinyi mmeona she was giving me too much information.
"Nikuulize, siku ya mwisho wewe kuwa na mwanaume ni lini?", I asked her.
"Kitambo. Wajua Bwanangu ameishi uharabuni two years sasa huu ni mwaka wa tatu", she told me.
"Basi hayo sio mashetani. Ni mwili tu unakukumbusha wewe ni mwanamke", I told her na story ikaisha.
Days that followed she told me, "haki siku hizi imekuwa kila siku. Mimi nat*mbwa tena sana".
Nikashindwa nitasema nini.
One night, she opened the door for me since she was the one I called nikija kuchelewa. It was towards 1AM in the morning.
"Pole nimekuamsha" I apologised.
"Nimeshindwa hata kulala. Wajua hii ndio masaa huwa yananikujia", she told me.
"Sasa haulali?",I asked her.
"Si unikalishe mpaka saa tisa", she requested me.
Nilivyo Mshamba, nikaingia kwake.
"Sasa, Kati ya Mimi na mashetani, unafaa uogope nini sana?", I asked her.
"Heri wewe", she told me..
She asked me to help her put a box up a cupboard. It wasn't a heavy carton but she wanted to help me. She was holding my arms nikiinua
"Unanguvu jameni?", she commented.
"Haikuwa nzito. Hata wewe naweza kuinua", I joked.
Saa Saba usiku joking with a woman in her house. Halafu mashetani iwe mashetani kweli itupate tufirwe sote. Hata Mimi sijipendi walahi.
"Mimi ni heavy machine", she told me.
Nikainua mama kumuonyesha yeye ni light weight.
"Unataka nikuwekelee wapi?", I asked her. She pointed at her bed. By the time she got to her bed, Mjomba Mimi nilikuwa nishaamtoa leso nimegeuka mapepo yenyewe.
Kumshika kidogo, anataka kuzima. She was gnashing her teeth akipiga manduru. Had to slap her because she wanted to lose consciousness.
Halafu oyaaa, the day utasikia mumamaz akikwambia inaingia vizuri, chomoa. Ni Mimba inaingia vizuri.
Senzii.
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