Mat Clark

@thisworldisbig No one likes a show off, Kris 🙄

Completed my first half-marathon today. Enjoyed it. Will do another.

@EarnMayo I don't have tiger shit in my car. We are not the same.

I spent $500k on a baby tiger today. We are not the same

@Baddiel Saw this and thought of you twitter.com/bryansgunn/sta…

Limped off football again yesterday. With this injury - a quad/groin one - the problem is it feels fine until I play, and then some twist or kick will set it off again. I know what most of you will think the answer is but I rage against the dying of the seven-a-side light.

@Mike_Batt Milk!!? You maniac! Water surely?

Heinz baked beans with sausages are good news. But the bad news is, as you heat them in the pan, the sauce and beans are hot long before the sausages are heated through. The sauce begins to reduce as you wait for the sausages to heat and you end of with a paste rather than..(1/3)

@Parody_PM Isn't levelling up brilliant! Cars too! They're brilliant! BRILLLLIANT!!!

Apologies for not wearing a seatbelt, but I thought that rule only applied to other people and not to us. You know, like all the other rules. #LevellingUpFund

@rowandobbins @fshires 'I am an ATP agent!'

Right, coming to the conclusion that Break Point was not made for anyone who has even a tiny bit of tennis knowledge.

So Rishi already backing away from a promise he made 2 days ago. Top delivery

@marcusjamesEY @SouthamptonFC Shameful, if not surprising. Well done for saying something. Christ, it's bad enough watching us play without having to deal with that shit as well!

@NickAdamsinUSA You OK, sausage? 😳

This morning, I was asked if I wanted "Oat Milk" in my coffee. I informed the girl behind the counter that it's not physically possible to milk an oat and immediately left the coffee shop. I will never return.

When you're too right wing for Alex Jones. 😳

@petepaphides B side wins again by public enemy

Are there any other B-sides that refer to the fact that they're a B-side. I'm sure there are, but I can't think of one right now. Anyone? #timstwitterlisteningparty

A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?” “I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.

Oh my… that’s us disgusting, awful, devastating!!

@amylame Show them the real London I guess. Brick Lane beigel bakery. Game of dodge the puke on a weekend night bus jaunt down holloway Rd?

Next week my sister, niece (14yrs) and nephew (10yrs) arrive from America for 12 days in London. What places do you recommend as a ‘must visit’? First time here for the kids!

Sunak correct that there’s no “magic money tree.” It’s not magic & it’s actually more of a forest, watered with the sweat & blood of workers & then chipped down and hoarded by him & his billionaire mates while your family starves & freezes.

His 100+ backers must be devastated, assuming imaginary people can experience emotions.

If you don't want to work yourself up to the point where you might go on a killing spree give talk radio a wide berth today

General. Election. Now. Or take to the streets …. Five Prime Ministers in six years. Just fuck off. All of them

Our 5th Prime Minister in 6 years must be elected NOT selected #GeneralElection2022