justinjjohnson

I only arm wrestle because I have wrestle-less leg syndrome.

to cope with the anxiety of trying to re-enter life post pandemic and be a human again, I enlisted some friends and shot this true Baghead footage…I’m the Greta Gerwig of 2023. link: youtu.be/tWdYeZFh-9U

santa is just like all of us…he wants to be VIP!

left the internet for a while due to what some might call “needing a break because I was losing my mind and becoming insane…” but… I’m nothing if not a salty B who likes to spill the tea… so I’m BACK NOW to publish Santa’s Naughty and Nice List!!!

don't wanna sound the alarm, but just went to buy a chronicle and it said 'out of order'!!!!

wouldnt say i have a birthmark but would say i have a poshmark... ...it's just a spot on my arm that looks like a tore up mitten...made by calvin klein, of course...duh #YouCantWriteThisStuff

pitch: the zantac clause santa has heartburn. takes zantac. dies on the roof of j-lo. j-lo becomes santa. hijinx. writes itself. #IllTakeMyMillionInCrypto

this bird just told me it was sick so I gave it a COVID test… came back negative… turns out the bird just has the flu, nothing to worry about. #threeinarow #HireMeToWriteYourSpecPitchBulletPoints

needed pants, but accidentally went to kneeman marcus... this dude is just selling knee pads! c'mon bruh, give me more lower body coverage.. #anotherone #ftw #wethebestmusic

working on a new character named Flax Sid. real name is Sidney, and, of course he's into flax seed, fiber and healthy living. oh... and he can't get an erection. i came back to twitter to say this...and, it's revelatory and and what the world needs

in a new comedy series on vimeo! check it, share it, love it!!!

watch this funnnnnn!!!

i'm always in first place... ...so i never eat trail mix.

straight up feelin like a constipated constellation today

just had my caller ID stolen... if "spent $24,000 at a tire store and a pizza from dominos" calls you...IT'S NOT MEEEEEE!!!!!!!

i like my records like i like my shirts... sleeveless and scratchy.

at this point, jus wanna open a restaurant that can claim it's the true "home of iconic fake crab meat." that's all.

it's reported that the worlds oldest bread was found... ...and to nobody's surprise, it was two old heel slices. #thunderousapplause

@hey_big_guy wow. ready in seconds, just like his clutch AB's. i'd show you a picture of my daniel palka french toast sticks, but they're already at the dump.

@justinjjohnson look who showed up in my trash can (right where he belongs)

pre-gaming for PRIME DAY by already contemplating my true need for flash drives, cleaning gloves, and e-readers...

never been more TERRIFIED, then immediately IMPRESSED... woman almost ran me over at a cross walk. upon seeing me, gave a SLIGHT wave, then... !!!POPPED A CHEEZ-IT into her mouth!!! standing ovation. (in terror, because I almost died)