frank ocean’s green baby

Have a feeling Trump's toupee is a Voldemort/Professor Quirrell situation.

I’ll tell you this. You want me as a customer? Ads with puppets.

The aggression of the Boston airport TSA is a necessary evil. I’ve never waited longer than 45 minutes in security.

Had a bad feeling about a guy I just met and then he ordered a Twisted Tea so my instincts are spot on.

@SheaSerrano Serious question: are you open to people who are willing to relocate?

my assistant is moving on into a new job soon i need to hire a new one it’s a full-time position one year contract monday through friday 8am-5pm REQUIREMENTS - must be in san antonio - must have a car if you’re interested email your resume to AsstSheaSerrano(@)gmail(.)com

When will I finally admit that I’m just not a “order a salad at a restaurant” person.

So the paralympics equestrian… is it the horse or the human? I fully support either way

If I won a Super Bowl I think I would request a suit of armor instead the ring

Insta should just rename “Close Friends” to “People Who Won’t Tell Your Boss”

@OverweightChamp I actually did this for a sketch monologue for a New Year’s Eve show I hosted lol

A version of this painting where me and three strangers are dissociating on our lunch break.

Becoming a new me this year (because my identity got stolen)

I love when Djokovic starts to use his racket as a cane in between points.

I’m gonna take the stairs to be healthier *can’t find the stairs* Let’s go ahead and cancel the gym membership too

Took a treat break from work in which I walk to the coffee shop for a treat but said coffee shop was closed. I am now on leave for mental health

When ET came to earth the government was definitely like “oh thank god, we can take those aliens no problem”

They only do make a wish for kids because adults would get too real. “My wish before I die, I would like to know my surviving family isn’t crippled by medical debt” “Can’t do that bud, but you wanna meet John cena?”

@scandicandi 👾💩🦠🐸🤙🏻 Spot on

Idiot Succession

Lion Succession

Succession 🧵