KellyLunacy

Based on the intense makeout session I just witnessed against my will, I fully expect a baby named “Panera” to be born 9 months from now

@lynnpo @juliedillon @ruthielafond

Why would autocorrect change “still” to “soulless”? I don’t need to be saying “I am soulless” in semi-professional emails.

@TookyMonster Listening to angry music usually helps me!

#TwitterPoll #TwitterPolls #Depression #Anxiety #TheHumanCondition #SadFeels Feeling kinda depressed today. What should I do to remedy my current emotional state? [Please note: crying is not an option; I have not cried since 2010]

The clock is ticking. We have just 47 legislative days left to find #OneMoreVote to save #NetNeutrality. But don’t agonize, organize! Keep making noise! We need to restore #NetNeutrality because the internet should be for everybody, not just Verizon, Charter, AT&T, & Comcast.

I had a dream that Taylor Swift had some of Elsa’s ice powers from “Frozen.” At the end of the dream, she turned into an evil clown. Has my subconscious mind created the perfect supervillain?

When you’re drunkenly singing to yourself, but years of choir ensure that you’re still in tune

31: The age when your appetite thinks you’re 15, but your knees think you’re 75.

I went to a dessert buffet with a bunch of women once. A lot of them DIDN’T GET DESSERT and talked about needing to diet, and one of them made fun of me for getting seconds. Bitch, I just paid an expensive cover charge for dessert SO YES I WILL EAT ALL THE CALORIES!

My eye makeup never looks better than it does the morning after I’ve accidentally slept in it all night. #imnotlazyimjustawesomeatmakeup

BREAKING: Enterprise, Alamo, and National car rental have all dropped their partnership programs with the NRA. RETWEET to show your appreciation and to encourage other companies to follow suit!!

If you say you’ve never fantasized about vaulting the counter at an ice cream shop and devouring all the toppings with your hands while bellowing like a hungry bear, then you’re lying. It’s not about the dessert- it’s about the experience.

*meeting a new dog* Me: Hi puppy! Dog: *immediately motorboats my crotch*

Frozen 2: Checking Account Frozen 3: Computer Screen Frozen 4: New England #RuinAnythingDisney

Why is there a green stick attached to my rose? #StupidQuestionsForFlorists

@LTbrandstrategy But what could be more romantic than finding a ring in a bread bowl of broccoli cheddar soup?

@discoveryduck Yes, I’m a Menstruarian-Comedian.

#InsteadOfBeadsThrow 20 extra cents. If we’re gonna flash you, let’s at least get equal pay for our troubles.

This pair scored a 6.9 in performance #AddSexImproveTheOlympics

You tell a teenager to put on a damn jacket. It’s cold. #SignsYouveBecomeYourParents

Don't let age stop you. For every story you hear about a wonder kid who achieved success at some ludicrously young age, there's a story of somebody who didn't even start till they were much older than you. There are role models all around you.