Kellie🌛

Playing Instagram story roulette where I hope to swipe down and out of the stories before I accidentally get to the people I hate.

Someone pointed something out in my teeth, so naturally I’m never eating again.

Never a bridesmaid, always a bride. Literally, I can’t take off this white gown and I’m walking down a never ending aisle!! Help!!!

Everyone’s always asking for a baker’s dozen, but no one ever asks for the baker’s cousin 😔

Every time a bell rings, an Angel gets its wings! Hahah…okay um….that’s enough ringing…that’s enough…oh my god, stop ringing. Oh my god, wings won’t stop sprouting out of that angel!!! AHHH!!!!

God, if you can hear me, I promise that if you made me rich…I’d still be humble and keep my cracked shitty iPhone screen protector.

I think I have enough evidence to prove that men will literally try to walk faster than me if I’m in the slightest hurry.

If I was in control of a news headline: “Queen no longer over the pond….she’s over the rainbow”

There should be a little free library but with pants for when we get our periods all over the place

@lookitsmarilyn I hate when people do this. It’s like, I was doin you a favor!!

Someone told me a joke today. I laughed. They responded, “I didn’t think it was that funny.” 🥺🥺 I just like to laugh. ugh.

Hey (with the intention of pointing out that it’s for horses, better for cows, pigs don’t eat it cuz they don’t know how)

@lookitsmarilyn Are you kidding me

I had no idea my last perfect ride would be my last perfect ride. 🥺 Please excuse me during this difficult time of mourning.

We all need maternity leave to nurse our inner child.

Every spring I debate planning my whole year around growing a pumpkin. Is this the pumpkin year? No. But God dammit one day it will be.

So many wasted minutes trying to find the confetti emoji to spruce up a half assed happy birthday text.

Sopping wet from trying to get the cherry at the bottom of my Mai Tai

@lookitsmarilyn Yes

Is a weekend trip to Chicago doable?

Once you’ve seen one hollywood car chase, you’ve seen them all.

My close friends list consists of those who I feel comfortable eating a giant meatball sub in front of

Once a day vitamins? No, once a day delete a Beatles lyric from my past Facebook statuses.