Kim Herrmann

Guys, I hit my comedic peak last night. I hosted trivia to an audience of one single dude in a pizza joint. I’ll probably never do anything funnier than this.

@cig_farmer Every 3 months is only 4 times a year! I get my hair cut too at this frequency because I also want long hair but not split ends!

My best friend told me I get my hair cut more than anyone she knows and I said I only get it cut every three months and she said I know…it’s very frequent. She undoubtedly thought her observation contained no judgement but I’ve been haunted by it…cancelled my appt for tues

Forget premarital counseling, engaged couples should have to potty train a toddler together

Literally raise ur glass if u r wrong in all the right ways

Girlboss, Put Your Records On

I'm still so upset that Gaga wasn't saying "red wine" at the start of Just Dance. I thought that was so cool.

@cig_farmer I guess we’re going down together 😔

I guess I should kill myself 😔

I like to think of Amy (burrito) and Annie (mac n cheese) as estranged sisters

@cig_farmer I have struggled to remember this exact movie title too

Last night as I was trying to go to sleep I was kept awake trying to remember the name of that carrey mulligan movie promising young woman. I kept thinking “gone girl…no…girl away…gone girl FUCK…a nice girl…good girl…gone girl UGH”

@cig_farmer That’s right

When I get my new shoes in the mail I will never suffer again

Asking my husband for a huge favor and saying “I would love you forever if you could do this for me” but then realizing I already promised that 😬 by marrying him.

@CourtneyEcherd Yes!!! I feel like I explain this a lot. I always call a California King an “NBA player single bed” to explain

it’s come up enough lately that i feel the need to make a psa. a California King bed is narrower than a King bed

@ghoulroline Dude my mom had one of these too and leaked it to the family group chat

@LasCulturistas LOVE YOU @LASCULTURISTAS BUT ACTUALLY THE ROOM IN THE DELTA SKY LOUNGE WITH ONLY A CHAIR & A SINK IS DEFINITELY A LACTATION ROOM FOR MOTHERS TO NURSE THEIR INFANTS OR PUMP BREASTMILK - ROOMS LIKE THIS ARE CRITICAL FOR THE HEALTH OF MOMS & BABIES AND SHOULD BE MORE ACCESSIBLE!

@LeighTruemper @kroger You’re my little squeak.

Was pushing a squeaky cart @kroger and a man commented to me “got a little squeak there, don’t it?!” and I’ll try to remember this interaction any time I’m down.

@shop Pay is GREAT except for the fact that it seems to prevent me from being able to mark a purchase as a gift & remove cost on invoice, or write a gift message. I've had this issue recently at @StanleyBrand and @PipetteBaby

Moms with apple watches be hitting their Stand goal before dinnertime

This is me and my husband’s NUMBER ONE argument when we are at the beach.

@iamwhoisam A slushie and the purple bag of Skittles. Sublime.

What was y’all’s camp snack? Mine was blue Doritos, a crispy coke, and a snickers. I miss them everyday.

30 years ago, 4 Non Blondes asked us a question we still can't answer.