@dad_hard

Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler's pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.

Voting seems tricky until you realize your dumbest neighbor’s yard signs are actually a reverse answer key.

School board voting seems hard but just look for the candidate whose yard sign is next to the very worst person you could possibly imagine and vote for not that person.

Just spent weeks telling my 4 year old ghosts and monsters aren’t real and now I immediately pivot to convincing him that a magic man at the North Pole is watching him around the clock.

Stocking up on chicken nuggets and tater tots to make sure the kids don’t fill their bellies with processed junk tomorrow.

All the scary stuff in the neighbor’s lawn has the little ones spooked. Hopeful those awful yard signs come down soon.

Do girls go to a special secret school to learn colors? And no boys allowed? I ask my wife about paint and it’s immediately 10 shades I’ve never heard of.

We could crank the heat up on this planet until it’s 100 degrees 364 days a year and I swear to god trick-or-treating in the Midwest will be 44 and windy.

A haunted house with the whole family and you can’t escape until you get a picture where no one is crying, Dad isn’t blinking and Mom likes how her hair looks.

When I’m using the phone for directions I’m like “this sucks it tells me to turn way too soon or way late” but when I’m navigating while my wife drives I’m like “oh that was our turn back there”.

Jasmine: (like 90 seconds after Aladdin finishes his song)….so…..did you pack any snacks? Bring a book? Or your plan was to show me the world at maybe 80mph tops with no activities.

I caught a stomach bug from my son and was sick all weekend - weak - reactive not proactive - coworkers picture you having diarrhea I just completed a two day zero cal cleanse with intense core focus - alpha af - beach body vibes - he’s probably never puked

Wild seeing younger cousins or your friend’s siblings like 20 years later. Bro you can’t be a groomsmen you’re supposed to be 6.

I hear parents say bedtime is a struggle. They’re afraid to take charge. At 8pm sharp - I leave their room. Then at 8:05 bedtime ends and happy hour starts. They waltz down the stairs for water, ghost sightings, blanket malfunctions, band aid adjustments…

Birth Certificates are cool. “Oh you just gave birth? Let me send you home with this tiny piece of paper. Let it sit for 30 years then your kid will need it to buy a house.”

My 4 year old told me that if he grows taller than his brother he becomes the older brother and gets to steal his brother’s name and I instantly decided to encourage the idea well into their teens.

Wild to realize soon we’ll be done with carseats and boosters and the kids will just be rawdogging my back seat.

It’d be tough to explain to an alien but the more expensive the hotel the less likely they are to include free breakfast.

Instead of a murder they should really call it a party of crows because they always seem like they’re having the best time.

I’ll vote for you twice if you stop texting me for money.

My son’s preschool classmate had “zoologist” written under ‘what I want to be when I grow up’. Mom and Dad - just be honest and tell us he wants to be a tiger.