laura.

Colleague: I love that gloss. What is it? Me: Chicken grease. I just pounded a rotisserie chicken in my office. She’s beauty and grace.

Thanks for your email! Unfortunately, I have filled my pockets with stones and am making my way to the sea.

For today.

@Camilla_33 THE. WORST.

I hate Vinny with a passion gahhjhhhhhhh he’s so abusive. #AmazingRace

Hugs to all my Gen X friends. What a brutal week.

@Quiltedchuppah All of them.

@ladesu What color?

If Winnie the Pooh wore pants they would be high-waisted and wide leg.

Same, Bert. Same. 😴🥱

The letter X will be holding a press conference later today. #TwitterX

Never ever ever ever get tired of this will we

Ladies & gentlemen, I give you… Jon Stewart

The Blue Line smells like cat food and tarragon.

Today.

Not having a panic attack at all.

Remember a couple of years ago, when I went through my phase of trying to give everyone the benefit of the doubt and being friendly to them and saying “they’re not that bad”.?Why’d y’all let me do that?

My productivity from 5am to 9am is unmatched.

10K retweets and i’ll wear this to oppenheimer

My pheromones are electric today.

The Silver Line smells like frozen yogurt and Axe body spray.

Cheers to the chick on the bus eating deli ham right from the zip bag.