lea(h)n and dab

MALE LOGIC A man and his wife are in court getting a divorce. The problem was who should get custody of the child. The wife jumped up and said, "Your Honor. I brought the child into this world with pain and labor. She should be in my custody." The judge turns to the husband and says, "What do you have to say in your defense?" The man sat for a while contemplating...then slowly rose. "Your Honor, if I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out...whose Pepsi is it...the machine's or mine?"

I literally “fell” for him: Since my crush sits behind me in class, when we stood up to do the pledge I stood up too fast and I stumbled over to him so to not fall on the ground I reached to grab his desk but I accidentally GRABBED HIM and I ended up falling on top of him and we both screamed. Luckily I didn’t hurt or crush him. My teacher and everyone else started laughing and I got so red afterwards. Now when we stand up for the pledge, he moves all the way to the back of the room away from me…

I went out in my slippers Len and Jim worked for the same company. One day, Len lent Jim 20 dollars, but then Jim left his job and went to work in another town without paying Len back his 20 dollars. Len did not see Jim for a year, and then he heard from another friend that Jim was in town and staying at the central hotel, so he went to see him there late in the evening. He found out the number of Jim’s room from the clerk at the desk downstairs and went up to find him. When he got to the room, he saw Jim’s shoes outside the door, waiting to be cleaned. “Well, he must be in,” he thought, and knocked at the door. There was no answer. He knocked again. Then he said, “I know you’re in, Jim. Your shoes are out here’. “I went out in my slippers,” answered a voice from inside the room.

I’m here already Mary wanted to be a nurse when she lefl school, but in the meantime, she joined the Red Cross and had some limited training. She was taught that, in case of an accident – and they were plentiful in her town – she should give first aid at once and then send for a doctor. One day, there was an accident in a busy street, and when Mary arrived soon after, she saw a man bending cover a woman who had been accidentally knocked down by a car and was lying motionless in the street. Mary ran up, pushed the man away, informed the crowd that she was a Red Cross nurse and began to help the wounded woman. After a few minutes, the man who had been bending over the woman when Mary arrived touched her on the shoulder and said. “When you reach the part about sending for a doctor, don’t worry. I’m here already.”

There are plenty of tickets on the black market! A football player sighed and told his wife: - This match is the deciding one. If we can\'t beat team \"A\" it means we will lose the ticket to attend the final match. His wife consoled him: - Well, there are plenty of tickets on the black market. They are only a bit more expensive. Let me help you!

Little Johnny Boy A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying. “Everyone who thinks you’re stupid, stand up!”. After a few seconds, Little Johnny stoop up. The teacher said, “Do you think you’re stupid, Little Johnny?” “No, ma’am but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself”

Cows The only cow in a small Iowa town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state line in Wisconsin for $200. They bought the cow from Wisconsin and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again. They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do. They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side, she walks away to the other side." The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Wisconsin?" The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Wisconsin?" The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Wisconsin."

Charlies Wife In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?" Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The next day the nurse enters Charlies room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how are you doing?" Charlies says, "I just got into Chicago." "Great," replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously masturbating. Shocked, she asks, "Bob, what are you doing?" Bob says, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"

The Gifted Artist A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute. husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married. She went on and on and on; neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage. Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?' The husband thought for a moment and replied,.. 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.'

THE GREAT WRITER There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level. Stuff that will make them scream, cry, and howl in pain and anger!" He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

WHY’D I GET MY FACE SLAPPED? An old woman, a young woman, and Englishman, and an Irishman are travelling in the compartment of a train together across the British countryside. Each of the four of them is ignoring the other three. Suddenly, the train enters a tunnel, and the compartment is thrown into pitch blackness. Out of the darkness comes the sound of a kiss, then the sound of a slap. The train leaves the tunnel, and the travellers act as though nothing happened. The old woman, however, is thinking to herself, "Look at that young woman sitting there next to me, acting as if nothing happened. I KNOW the Englishman kissed her." The young woman is thinking to herself, "Why would an Irishman kiss an old lady?" The Englishman is thinking to himself, "I didn't to anything! Why'd I get MY face slapped?" And the Irishman is thinking to himself, "How do you like that? I kiss the back of my hand, slap an Englishman in the face and get away with it!"

YOUR FIRST TIME It’s your first time and as you lie back, your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while, searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed. As he approaches you, he asks if you are afraid. You shake your head bravely. He has had more experience but it’s the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses but he is gentle as he promised he would be. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him, he has done this many times before. His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for easy entrance. You begin to plead with him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give away. Pain surges throughout your body and you feel a slight trickle of blood. He continues and looks at you with a concerned look and asks you if it’s too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears, but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins moving in and out with skill but you are too numb to feel him within you. After a few frenzied moments, you feel something burst within you and he pulls it out of you. You lay panting and glad to have it over. He looks at you smiling warmly, tells you that you have been his most stubborn but yet rewarding experience. You smile and thank your dentist. After all it was your first time having a tooth pulled.

HE HAD SWALLOWED A PENNY After tucking their three-year-old child Sammy in for bed one night, his parents heard sobbing coming from his room. Rushing back in, they found him crying hysterically. He managed to tell them that he had swallowed a penny and he was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking helped. His father, in an attempt to calm him down, palmed a penny from his pocket and pretended to pull it from Sammy's ear. Sammy was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed it, then cheerfully demanded, "Do it again, Dad!"

MA, GUESS WHO I’M GOING TO MARRY A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees. The next day he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Ok, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry." She immediately replies, "the red-head in the middle." He was surprised that his mother was able to guess the correct woman, "How do you know?!" The mother replies, "I don't like her!"

MEDICAL MIRACLE An 80 year woman married an 85-year-old man. After about six months together, the woman wasn't feeling well and she went to her doctor. The doctor examined and said, "Congratulations Mrs. Jones, you're going to be a mother." "Get serious doctor, I'm 80." "I know," said the doctor, "This morning, I would have said it was impossible, but this afternoon you are a medical miracle." "I'll be darned," she replied and stormed out of the office. She walked down the hall and around the corner to where the telephones were. In a rage, she dialed her husband. "Hello," she heard in his familiar halting voice. She screamed, "You rotten SOB. You got me pregnant!" There was a pause on the line. Finally, her husband answered, "Who's calling please?"

A famous writer who was visiting Japan was invited to give a lecture at a university to a large group of students. As most of them could not understand spoken English, he had to have an interpreter. During his lecture he told an amusing story which went on for rather a long time. At last he stopped to allow the interpreter to translate it into Japanese, and was very surprised when the man did this in a few seconds, after which all the students laughed loudly. After the lecture, the writer thanked the interpreter for his good work and then said to him, “Now please tell me how you translated that long story of mine into such a short Japanese one.” “I didn’t tell the story at all,” the interpreter answered with a smile. I just said, “The honorable lecture has just told a funny story. You with all laugh, please.”

Goodness without wisdom always accomplishes evil.

The way to get started is to quit talking and begin doing. Walt Disney

Love is the crowning grace of humanity, the holiest right of the soul, and the golden link which binds us.

The Philosophical Tomato (Part 5):Why did the tomato ponder the mysteries of the universe again? It wanted to explore whether there were any seeds of truth in the garden of existence, aiming to unearth the ripest insights!