lisaburton

When I die, I want my measurements posted the way they do for babies. "Well, folks, she's gone. Lisa Burton, 5'4" 190lbs."

@tlrsmpls slowly the game allows you to realize you are the killer.

This would be the perfect game. As townspeople are killed off, you lose access to their services. The general store owner dies. You can no longer buy supplies, you have to make things yourself. Eventually you are the only one left, alone, struggling to survive. Perfect

@lisekatevans thanks Kat! ❤️ ❤️ ❤️

77 seconds of truth that I hope you take the time to WATCH AND RETWEET.

My ideal summer body is one that I have complete control over

You ever felt like a bigshot so for a $25 upcharge you get the Flouride treatment?

Just imagine being a salmon doing your thing and the next instant you have a sharp pain in your back and sides, you can't breathe, and you're 10 feet above where you were just a second ago. #pandemiclife

Watching videos like this makes me feel like a real life wall-e youtu.be/RGWC7icTM_E

I wanna be "the ring guy" on the @BachelorABC or @BacheloretteABC because it's v chill and you still get to travel to all the places. LMK if you need a resume, I can carry a briefcase super good.

Middleaged midwestern women are so repressed and pitted against one another that Rick Steves is more relatable than a female host would be to them.

Make the day as boring as you want and don't look back because there's always tomorrow too. And the next day. #YOL

I've really been reinventing myself as someone who cries a lot.

@worldbshiny #unteachable

@lisaburton Did Tyra teach you NOTHING? #Smize

If we are going to be wearing masks forever, how long before movies/tv reflect our new reality? Like, we better start taking eye acting classes.

Summary of my feelings about this week.

Is "fresh" a descriptor for candy? Like, do you ever say, "Gotta get me some fresh candy!"?

is joe swearing on his book of spells

He seems like a very happy old man looking forward to a bright and wonderful future. So nice to see!

@TimothyRDunn What he's doing now is not working. Please.

I don't know who needs to hear this, but you can't win comedy