the government man

girls go to college to get more knowledge. boys go to jupiter never to know the earth again, the sun that nurtured them an unfamiliar orange dot in an orange sky, a hazy memory of an estranged mother; to dwell forevermore in the shadows of ninety moons, neither alive nor dead.

like for real just take me out please i don’t want to do this anymore (form i was filling out online reset midway through)

I looked at a geode that made me wise but insane

its crazy how earth is the only planet that has a moon that lights up

underground saddam is the pupa

i guess nobody wants to hear this.

@weed_rat Id go so far as to say anyone who doesn't is kinda lowkey toxic

was introduced to someone with a very foreign name and everyone in my group repeated it wrong but one woman enunciated it flawlessly and the guy was like "wtf you said that better than my mom" and long story short im going to ruin my life for her. i would die for her right now

Probably feels so bad to work for the CIA and hear every podcaster say "they didn't even try to sell the war this time"... to feel so invisible

@weed_rat This is known as the "Poster's Breakfast"

The person who favs your twitter posts the most actually counts as a relative for like next-of-kin purposes. If nobody else is around they are in charge of deciding whether to keep you on life support

@castinemachine Fuck

@me_irl yeah and everyone gave you everything huh

i am getting tired of hearing about "tall men can get away with anything". i am 6'3" and everyone is beyond fed up with my shit

@castinemachine That was actually the first thing I tried

@castinemachine A long time ago I tried it for a while.

@pavedwalden ghostbusters theme obviously.

What song do you want all the speakers in the house to start playing when you die?

@KyleDMcCue Thank you for sharing this Kyle

@me_irl I’m average height and I have gotten away with so much shit.

@castinemachine sh--shit....

@me_irl also me

faving one million tweets because i had one single tequila shot

Hi Sandy, hope you're doing well. This in no way even slightly, remotely happened and is possibly the single most childishly, ridiculously fake outrage bait story I have read in my entire life

Can I set it as a smart home automation trigger, so that my lights turn off at the second my lights turn off

noticed my ~Smart Watch~ can automatically call 911 if I have no pulse. is there an android system broadcast that fires when the system detects that the user has died. can I, and this is a serious question, register a callback function that will fire when I die