Middle Age Riot

BREAKING: Attacks on energy infrastructure in the Middle East have caused the price of oil to skyrocket to a whopping Donald Trump raped children per barrel.

BELOW: The face you make when being Netanyahu's bitch isn't any better than being Putin's bitch.

WHEN YOU'RE DONE WITH THE GRASS I NEED HELP GETTING SOME SHIPS THROUGH THE STRAIT OF HORMUZ

In response to the Melania documentary's Oscar snub, MAGA actors Scott Baio, James Woods, Roseanne Barr, Kevin Sorbo, Tim Allen, Kristy Swanson, Randy Quaid, Dennis Quaid, Dean Cain, and Rob Schneider have offered to give the first lady their Academy Awards if they ever win them.

"Alexa, show me the last person you'd want in charge of the military during a war?"

If only there'd been some indication that Donald Trump was garbage.

"As a visionary, I know success is not born overnight but rather takes shape after a long and sometimes challenging process. Often alone at the top, I follow my passion, listen to my instinct, and always maintain a laser focus." - Melania Trump on whoring for a visa

TWO WEEKS AGO: "Groceries are expensive, but at least gas is cheap." TODAY:

FLASHBACK: Six years ago, Donald Trump didn't want to wear a mask because it would smudge his makeup, so the Republican Party helped him kill a million Americans.

Republicans in 2024: Gerrymandered districts, selectively closed polling places, purged voter rolls, eliminated mail-in ballots, shortened polling hours, weakened voting rights legislation, and packed the courts. Republicans in 2026: "Democrats are rigging our elections."

BREAKING: People with no legs walk and man with no brain speaks.

Pete Hegseth: "It won't be a forever war. Iran will eventually run out of school girls."

Lindsey Graham is what would happen if a Keebler elf had sex with a jar of spoiled mayonnaise.

SUPER DUPER MEGA FUN FACT: If there is a Heaven, no one in this photo will ever see it.

Putin: "I'm giving Iran military intelligence so they can target U.S. troops. Is that okay with you, bitch?"

Dear Kristi Noem, Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Warmest regards, Me P.S. Ha ha ha fuck you.

Kristi Noem is about to go from being the stupidest person in Trump's cabinet to being the stupidest person not in Trump's cabinet.

FRIENDLY ADVICE: Live your life so that if a rash appears on your neck millions of people don't publicly wish for your death.

I look forward to speaking ill of the dead.

Trump: "Don't worry about me, Jeffrey. If it looks like I might get caught I'll murder you and bomb Iran."