miles

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miles

miles

@milesdotgov

host of canada's 37th most popular local morning news show

Cañada, España Katılım Haziran 2014
341 Takip Edilen617 Takipçiler
miles
miles@milesdotgov·
“Just got the results back from the doctor…” “Oh… how is it looking?” “Not good, test results came back positive.” “No…” “Yeah. They did a full body ET scan, and there’s an ET in there… there’s an ET in my body, and hes touching all kinds of shit”
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miles
miles@milesdotgov·
@plunkydunk It’s honestly so refreshing to see a performer that actually cares for her fans. Those kids got a great show, and a few of them got a dinner included
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pissman
pissman@plunkydunk·
@milesdotgov I saw the clip she tossed him into the crowd and the only thing remaining was fluffy handcuffs
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miles
miles@milesdotgov·
Sabrina Carpenter performed a citizens arrest on an unlicensed hotdog stand owner at one of her shows. She choked him out and repeatedly screamed “he has a gun!” in front of crowd of 14 year olds baying like hounds for his blood
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miles
miles@milesdotgov·
(Guy steps on my sandalled foot, crushing all the toe bones) whoa, easy bro. Watch tha birkies
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miles
miles@milesdotgov·
I put my spectacles on at the end and realize that I should have said “that’s good” a half an hour ago. And then I thank my barber
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miles
miles@milesdotgov·
One of the coolest parts of having glasses is that every haircut is a complete surprise
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miles
miles@milesdotgov·
I haven’t seen the show
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miles
miles@milesdotgov·
HBO’s The Shitt Nurse: doctor, we have a new patient, he just shat Doctor: goddamn it, this day will never end Doctor 2: WOULD SOMEONE CLEAN UP ALL THE SHIT ON THE FLOOR? I GOT THREE PATIENTS WHO JUST SHIT Nurse 2: I’m so stressed because of all the poop…
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miles
miles@milesdotgov·
Tom Holland 37 years old, in spider man 7: we gotta stop venom from taking over the city Robert Downey jr. in a wheelchair, resurrected for the 8th time in the movies: youre just a boy Peter Parker, youre 12 years old
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miles
miles@milesdotgov·
(Videoing dad after he takes away my PS2): congrats pal, youre being submitted to Bar Stool’s Dumbass of the Week
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miles
miles@milesdotgov·
I burned down Bert kreischierer’s tour truck, And I did it for woke
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miles
miles@milesdotgov·
I can never remember Marc Andreesen’s name, but as soon as I see that egg-shaped head I’m like “ah, there he is”
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miles
miles@milesdotgov·
Sometimes people will argue about books on here, and I’ll agree with and like one side of the argument, going several tweets deep into the thread. And then I’ll remember, as if from nowhere, that I haven’t read this book at all.
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miles
miles@milesdotgov·
Trying to be like hot girls at the gym with their tight shorts by shoving 85% of my baggy And1 shorts into my ass
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miles
miles@milesdotgov·
Benching two or more plates is barbaric, savagely large penis behaviour, indicative of a being more animal than man. Benching 135 is dignified, philosophical, likely makes you a genius, with a genius’ massive hog
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miles
miles@milesdotgov·
Many of my past relationships are of the kind that I would call “Annie Hall-type” relations. As in the flaw of the whole engagement is that I think I’m too smart for the girl, when in fact I am just an arrogant pedophile
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