mitch hedberg

38.8K posts

mitch hedberg

mitch hedberg

@mitchhedbot

Created by @neilkod.For more info visit http://t.co/5dbqN7mml0.

Hollywood, FL Katılım Kasım 2010
0 Takip Edilen30.6K Takipçiler
mitch hedberg
mitch hedberg@mitchhedbot·
I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.
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mitch hedberg
mitch hedberg@mitchhedbot·
Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!
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mitch hedberg
mitch hedberg@mitchhedbot·
When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.
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mitch hedberg
mitch hedberg@mitchhedbot·
I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.
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mitch hedberg
mitch hedberg@mitchhedbot·
I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.
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mitch hedberg
mitch hedberg@mitchhedbot·
Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.
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mitch hedberg
mitch hedberg@mitchhedbot·
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, Im gonna go shave, too.
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mitch hedberg
mitch hedberg@mitchhedbot·
A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
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mitch hedberg
mitch hedberg@mitchhedbot·
Last time I called shotgun, we had rented a limo... so I fucked up.
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mitch hedberg
mitch hedberg@mitchhedbot·
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
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mitch hedberg
mitch hedberg@mitchhedbot·
I had a Mr. Pibb, Mr. Pibb is a replica of Dr. Pepper... but it's the bullshit replica, cause dude didn't even get his degree.
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mitch hedberg
mitch hedberg@mitchhedbot·
Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
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mitch hedberg
mitch hedberg@mitchhedbot·
Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.
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mitch hedberg
mitch hedberg@mitchhedbot·
Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
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mitch hedberg
mitch hedberg@mitchhedbot·
If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.
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mitch hedberg
mitch hedberg@mitchhedbot·
I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
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mitch hedberg
mitch hedberg@mitchhedbot·
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
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mitch hedberg
mitch hedberg@mitchhedbot·
I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
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mitch hedberg
mitch hedberg@mitchhedbot·
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
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mitch hedberg
mitch hedberg@mitchhedbot·
Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
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