Meg

Selfie like there are no filters, tweet like nobody follows, and order Taco Bell like you won't have to face the cashier.

Despite having an entire drawer full, every woman just wears like 3 bras, right?

I love Excel people. I was just in a meeting where two people simultaneously said “concatenate!” When ideating on which way to update a spreadsheet

This tweet is for 2008: Ashlee Simpson and Stephanie Pratt are written in the same font, no?

This is how I feel about Heather Gay in tonight’s episode #RHOSLC

In the maternity ward, every day is Labor Day

Seeing the green ring around someone’s Insta story gives me the same elite energy I felt when I was in someone’s Top 8. Although I’m pretty certain most peoples “close friends” are just their followers minus their boss or something

Is anyone talking about how many exclamation points Johnny Depp uses when texting?

Will Smith so upset at disrespect toward his family that he assaults someone and then proceeds to call Richard Williams crazy in front of Richard Williams’ family … what a vessel of love

Chris Rock did say MacBeth in a theatre right before he got punched 👀

Happy St Pattys — here’s your annual reminder that a shamrock and a four leaf clover are not the same thing

Everyone always says the drier steals socks. But how exactly did the washer get acquitted?

I feel like growing up means you just start drinking your alcohol straight.

My parents have been keto for a couple years now and I’ve never once heard them use the word “ketosis,” which honestly is the only respectful way to be keto.

@scottolstad Late night is a precious timeframe for Scott Olstad. Come correct.

I don’t like it when a late night show takes a week off and then comes back and makes jokes about stuff that happened during their week off. YOU WEREN’T HERE FOR US THEN you don’t deserve to join the fun seven days later

Karamo Brown is to bomber jackets as Ariana Grande is to half ponytails

Is it just me or would @chancetherapper make a sick Aaron Burr? (Would also be dope at Lafayette/Jefferson)

“He’s hot for 2004” - @Beersbee21

I finally got a phone with Face ID. I’ve conducted my experiment and my identical twin can in fact unlock my phone with her face lol

Almost used a gluestick as chapstick. What’s going on with you?

@MaxDitlevson 👀

@mk_olstad False. That is not a book series. Unless you are referring to the Jack Ryan series by acclaimed novelist Thomas Leo Clancy Jr.

Scott just explained tennis scoring to me and it’s the most insane shit I’ve ever heard. And that’s coming from someone who used to skip over the Quidditch portions of her favorite book series.