cake pop drama

Thanks @yunggravy for spending 1,084 minutes with me in 2022. I couldn’t stop listening to oops!. #SpotifyWrapped open.spotify.com/artist/2YOYua8…

If Twitter crashes and you need to find me, the hell you will. I've got a two day head start on you, which is more than I need. I speak a dozen languages, know every local custom, I'll blend in, disappear, you'll never see me again.

My wife bought this at a consignment store while I was out of town. The dogs bark and growl at it. I keep thinking it’s one of the dogs. Just bad vibes all the way from this reindeer. 👎

@SteelMillWizard Tiktok ✨️

so what's new Twitter called bc id like to have 0 interruptions in my @Jeopardy experience

YESSSS SAM YESSS FUCK IT UP @sam_buttrey WE LOVE YOU

This is the second time I've logged in in about a year and it's for jeopardy

in this house we stan punk legend @sam_buttrey

did you bring the nip

Sadly, they wound up rejecting my first choice of outfit, but my backup outfit was also fabulous, and moreover showed my tattoo! (I negotiated for that, I had a bit more leverage with them this time around lol). So whatever else, I'd be confident in how I looked

I love you @patsajak but it's time to raise the minimum prize to 5k and start showing an interest in the family stories of queer contestants

nobody can cross the street for you

oh i need this

“Colin Firth is the best Darcy” “Matthew McFayden is the best Darcy” you’re all forgetting someone

every year for the last million years i've entered the @DURAFLAME giveaway &every year i whisper to myself in a mitch hedberg voice, "naturally i was looking for the duraflame tree!" &I'm just saying this year it would be really cool to win &say that to @chriscasperhuh forever

As I’ve said before, no one should be in jail just for using or possessing marijuana. Today, I’m taking steps to end our failed approach. Allow me to lay them out.

I got so mad about this email that I had to stomp away from the tree and I might not bake another cookie for the rest of the day.

@SteelMillWizard i had to stop myself from putting that exact word in lmao

A year ago today, I was in LA, waiting to fulfill a dream. The year since has been full of good days, but by far the best one was May 9th, when Genevieve and I got married. Without her, none of the other good days would have happened. I’m so lucky to share my life with her!👰‍♀️❤️👰‍♀️

logged back in twitter for the first time in months bc i used the @officeladiespod 's chutzpah to get a big raise & like a good american i used it to splurge on a little @khloekardashian drip. cannot wait for sherpashacket fall ✨ go me and go koko go 💙