muffinrat

When a cougar gets so old she needs a hearing aid… She becomes a Def Leppard.

Sad news. I broke up with my girlfriend Loraine. She found out I was seeing another girl, Claire Lee. Good news though, I can see Claire Lee now, Loraine is gone.

I love a woman in camouflage, but they’re very hard to find…

A pessimist sees a dark tunnel. An optimist sees light at the end of the tunnel. A realist sees a freight train. The train driver sees three idiots standing on the track.

So I tried to come up with a carpentry pun that woodwork. I think I nailed it, but nobody saw it.

Came home to find my coffee cups gone!! I have been mugged…

There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator… Only a fraction of people will find this funny.

This morning I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator. I was staring at her boobs and she told me to press one. So I did...and woke up on the floor.

If laziness was an Olympic sport, I'd probably come in fourth so I wouldn't need to walk up to the podium.