Nate Drum

A few months ago my 4yo got in the car after school and said "I'm the king of numbers" and I had kind of forgotton about it but today we were at a birthday party & one of the dads said "hey did you know all the kids in class calls your son the 'king of numbers'????????

Rainforest Cafe but the animals are real and not at all restrained

A frog was blown into the air by 2013 NASA rocket launch

woke up so hungover that within seconds of gaining conscience i said out loud to no one “the only way out is through”

I got the pokey toots

[about to sell a keyboard instrument on the secondhand market] oh man I almost forgot to gunk up the keys with a strange residue

when i was little i saw a gold alien walk out of my grandparents grandfather clock

asking the black mold if i can go outside to play

Sandwich beans

kids these days don’t have role models to look up to anymore, when i was growing up we had master chief and the bionicles to teach us right from wrong and what it means to be a man

(Guy who is doomed to repeat himself): You literally can’t learn anything from history

Doctor told me to die and fuck myself

Me blacked out in the back of my Uber asking if it’s been a busy night

watching my dumbass nephew struggle to find an easter egg that’s literally in the bush he’s looking at

Everyone is a horse girl they just figure it out at different times of their lives

I knew a kid who would only respond to questions with "up your butt and around the corner" and literally no one cared when he went missing over the summer

Neighbors wife said make yourself at home so I took some of their dog's tramadol

Refueling