not dolphin bang

@jbouie How did this survive so many years!? How was it not smashed to bits by the emperor as soon as he saw it? Or anyone else since then.

“gawrsh emperor xian!”

The Body is Inviolable Subject to One's Own Will Alone. thesatanictemple.com/pages/rrr-camp…

@VP Stop leading by example. They're not listening no matter how rational and reasonable you are about #covid.

Today I tested positive for COVID-19. I have no symptoms, and I will continue to isolate and follow CDC guidelines. I’m grateful to be both vaccinated and boosted.

@WheresOurPod Just make things cited through correct hyperlinks.

I hope y'all like watermarks. 😂

@atrupar #fuckelon

the worst people in the world think this is great news, which tells you everything you need to know

@RBReich #fuckelon

A handful of billionaires now have unprecedented control over banking, the food we eat, the health care we can access and, now, the information we receive. This is what oligarchy looks like.

@alfranken @elonmusk We need more SNL-alumni in politics and probably police enforcement. Just lighten this up a bit, you know?

You know who’s great? @elonmusk!

@jimmykimmel Is that his HOUSE?

fine, we'll go with Kimble then

@missionarynoahh Ew, gross. You can't threaten people to end a conversation.

i hate arguing over text let’s argue in person so i can kiss you

@alyankovic You know that means I won't get my ticket until you've told me exactly 16 more times.

The tour starts TONIGHT!!! I'll be on the road for the next 6 months. If you don't have your tickets yet, you can get them at weirdal.com/tour/. (Fair warning, I'm only going to remind you 17 more times!)

It seems to me like #plastic straws in the middle of a nice big floating garbage patch would create a great environment for bacteria and things like yeast to grow. Now we just need to make straws for pangolins.

@Sethrogen Can someone turn one of those into a nice looking electric sploof or personal air purifier?

For too long, the locations of ashtrays have been dictated by tables…

@ADAMDEVINE Nope. We've all been waiting.

Been away from Twitter for awhile. Anything new happen?

@SarahKSilverman @elonmusk Just because it COULD be done doesn't mean #fuckelon could do it. He can't even make a truck or rescue kids from a pedophile with a cool submarine or whatever.

He’s still gonna do it! I believe in you @elonmusk

@blainecapatch Why is everybody worked up about this red velvet cake? Nobody's eating it except Blaine and Elon so who cares?

I think big corporations should be required to post jobs with the qualifier "willing to consider overqualified candidates at appropriate compensation levels." #jobseekers

Nope, didn't see this coming at all

Ok, now I think I'm starting to get the blinking. #mybad

#TheDropout is awesome and super hard to watch because @AmandaSeyfried is killing it with the Theranoblinking.

@MJMcKean @creamofwool Yet comfortable.

ATTN: @creamofwool

Why can't you carbonate whole milk? It breaks every @sodastream I keep buying.