ally 𝖌𝖆𝖙𝖔𝖗 🐊🧑‍🍳🐕🏳️‍🌈

[alternate universe where jesus christ's name was jeffy spaghetti] ME: *hears some horrible news* jeffy spaghetti

[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy [friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?

"no rapping tonight" why? "you rap about patrick swayze everytime, it's embarrassing" ok [after one beer] uh oh y'all it's gettin kinda hazy

Friend: wanna play basketball later? Me: [has never played basketball before] sure Friend: i'll bring the ball Me: [nervous] ok cool [Later] Me: [pulls up with a basketball hoop strapped to the roof of my car] sorry I'm late

@chasingscratch0 Mike wants to dunk 'AGAIN'? Boys, I can't be the only one who wants to see Mike dunk on a 9ft hoop in flops like he claimed, but also needless to say we need progress updates over the next year

Benoit Blanc talking to detective Pikachu in knives out 3: baw gawd you are some kind of yellow rodent ... mHmmm...

@EmbraceEvil Her and her ears are the best

Big skippy baby

Me sowing: Haha fuck yeah!!! Yes!! Me reaping: Well this fucking sucks. What the fuck.

YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni YANKEE DOODLE'S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody's worried about u

[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste [Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK

Car manufacturers need to work on standardized wifi msging between nearby cars, im thinking something like pictochat on the DS, or maybe mariokart preset messages. Cut someone off, then send them a “im using tilt-controls!” over their radio.

[First sunset] HIM: HER: HIM: HER: HIM: HER: HIM: Is that… you think that’s a problem?

It's once again the day of pi

Just the sweetest

@jakeyner @pants It's a grin and chuckle every time I walk by it

My second @pants 🧴🧴