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Is Rashford a world class footballer?….Absolutely fucking not! Can Rashford make a world class ham sandwicH? You better believe it! Utter madness given he uses Billy Bear ham and Warburton Thins

Ralfs livid, understandably.. But I’ll not be convinced otherwise that charging through the dressing room on a quad bike, with a Viking shield and a flamethrower…..completely torching the table of ham sandwiches that Rashy had lovingly hand made was justified.

Rashford is a saint FYI, I will not entertain a negative word about him! Ignore him playing like his boots are made out of peanut butter crunchy. Megged him in training today. & he just started cackling like a witch. 7 secs later there was 118 pack lunches on the right wing.

Ronny: ‘we need a winning mentality’ For absolutely no reason, none at all, Harry Maguire rolled over and pretended he was dead, like a big weird possum

Unfortunately I’d be lying if I said the recent pics of Rooney surprise me. The guys an utter sex pest. I once caught him rummaging through the bins at night after training like a fat raccoon, dry shagging an out of date packet of oven top muffins. Fiend

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Happy retirement Wazza. I love you dearly...despite never really understanding you at all, or your love of fossils or anything old. I remember Fergie bollocking you for chucking coffee on the home kit to make it look like an ‘old pirate map’. All the best you odd bastard

I might be a living deity.. but I’m also frugal as fuck. The only thing that gives me greater pleasure than scoring an utter screamer, is gradually knocking up points on my Morrison’s More card

‘Unofficially’ scored 7.2 million goals. Most of them in the living room...and a massive chunk of them were ‘technically’ scored using a throw cushion. But I’ll gladly sit Pele down & force him to watch them like that Clockwork Orange scene the bitter cunt, they’re all recorded

Enjoy seeing Di Maria sad. Because truth be told, he made me sad. Every single day. When at Madrid I spent most of my time around him. It was like training with slice of cheese on toast that’d been given news of a terminal illness. He was fucking repulsive. Face like a melted pog

Haven’t left the Prem Inn since joining Juve. But ‘whilst in Rome’ I thought I’d go see the Colosseum. ‘Ronny, Rome is 700km a way u bronzed dickhead’ they shouted. I just winked & asked whether needed owt from the Coop. I sprinted there and back in 4 mins with 16 bags of quavers

Spend my life training. At home I dribble the cutlery to the dining table & chip it next to the plates with sublime accuracy. Then b4 sleep time, I’ll sprint over to my bed & diving header the throw cushions off it before delicately side footing my pet hamster into its cage. Goat

Here’s some stats for you: Number of Ballon d’Or’s won Messi. 5 Ronny. 5 Fastest speed achieved Messi. 8mph Ronny: e=mc2 Number of women slept with Messi. 0.01 per season Ronny. 5,679 per season Longest shot distance Messi. 15 yards Ronny. Saturn (backheel)

Enjoyed watching Messi play though the past week. Reminds me of the time I found a small helpless squirrel trying to dribble an acorn up a tree. Fucking useless he was, but it was adorable watching him try.

Started even surprising myself. Ran that fast in training earlier, I briefly visited the year 2130. Turns out I can fucking time travel. They’d renamed Europe ‘Cristiano’, which is pretty fitting really. By the time I’d come back to reality I’d unexpectedly sprinted to Ireland

Like a beautiful bronzed wine, I just get better. Wait until I’m 57 and banging in 379 goals a season. I think I’ve basically evolved and surpassed humans into a new super species. I’m alone here. But I’m good

It’s true I’m growing a goatee to undermine Messi. What’s not been reported, is that I’ve also styled my pubic hair to resemble a small Argentinian stoat in his honour. I’ve sent the pic to Leo but he’s not responded yet.

Respect Messi in a way. He looks like a perplexed otter with a Beatles haircut, but he doesn’t let it get him down. Little known fact about Messi, his cock is the same size and shape as a custard cream