Jack

All my homies out here getting matched with med school programs and I can’t even get a match on tinder

Writing down I’m thankful for this microwaved hot dog in my gratitude journal.

@tim_is_my_name_ Once you get the sirali kebap videos you’ve reached enlightenment

My steak Instagram formula has gotten so deep I’m now in the foreign language department 🤤

@TimJDillon Why are the Cleveland tickets not on sale on your website? I understand your refined palette is too pure for pierogies and hot dogs, but why don’t you let me show you around? I’ll order for the table.

Tickets: timdilloncomedy.com

Have a layover in the Kansas City airport. I never knew that the USSR designed airports right here in the US.

Was feeling dangerous and ordered a chicken satay pho. For a second I forgot what Satay was. Tasted like you took lukewarm dishwater and put a scoop of peanut butter protein powder in it. 2/10. Can’t catch a break today.

@Stove_Talk @DrennanLive @tebel_ it’s Tony from west park!

In honor of Bruce Drennan’s retirement, here’s a 2012 throwback. @DrennanLive

@PS5Drop Bruh they sold out in 8 seconds. Why even post? Lol

@OkerwallTammy @stoolpresidente How about complaining after you make it, if that?

What the fuck

@PNCBank_Help I have been on hold 3 times and have gotten disconnected each time. I finally requested a call back. After waiting 30 seconds to connect with someone, I was disconnected again. This is horrible!

Just hit my roommates nicotine pen and 5 minutes later burped up a cloud of smoke…. Like where were you hiding in there? These shits are dangerous.

@LaihrTweets The pregame prayers are about to level up 😇🙏🏼

I had toaster strudel every morning this week for breakfast and I think my mood was boosted

Yeah idk man I think it got wet in the shower or something. It doesn’t feel right ...

1000 retweets and I’ll fill my leg cast up with baked beans right before the guy takes it off and film it.

@Fixer_MacD @ConnorMacDowell Good one uncle bob

“I got you a king size Reese’s Egg.”

@PFTCommenter @34Peters this seems like a good way to get a summer ending ankle sprain

Alot of people are accidentally tagging me in this. Might be a bug on Twitter?

@mynamesnotbilly @tims_tweets_ Kappa semi formal vibes

@o_b47 @tims_tweets_ Nice bio pic

10-0 on sets with my new racket. Fully ready for water to find it’s level

@tims_tweets_ Hey name is jack and my friend is nationally ranked in Mario tennis, is my usual ice breaker

@o_b47 Taking a brief break from Mario Tennis, need the optimal set up and I’m home for a bit getting my Rona shot Twitter will be first to know when I’m #back