odat

The rhythm hunts. The rhythm stalks you relentlessly through the sweltering Miami night. You hide, but you know it's only a matter of time.

I mean every person. The stream of athleisure models. The lesbian couple taking photographs. The gaggle of moms with their kids. Every dog owner! Just a non-stop babe parade! And me looking like I'm heading for an audition, description: "Unkempt, sweaty man. Unfashionable."

Me, getting ready to leave yesterday: Eh, I'll just wear this loose old t-shirt and shorts and have my hair a muss. It's a hike, who would see? [smash cut to: Every. single. person. I pass on the trails is PREPOSTEROUSLY attractive. And me, a sweaty goblin.]

Ok there was more to this tweet but really just: fuck.

fuck.

"You got them haunted grandpa bones."

It was my birthday yesterday, and this exchange was truly all the gift I needed.

@atetheSandwich Oh no! I've lost the crown!

Voted most likely to be too anxious to sleep

Or maybe Eau Fortuna? Depends on my whole celebrity vibe, I guess.

If I ever get famous enough to have a signature perfume, it's definitely going to be called Eau No.

Upon reviewing my timeline, two observations: 1) it's been a WHILE since I posted on here (all the good tweet thoughts evaporate before I manage to write them down), and 2) wow, a LOT of Beowulf tweets.

Beowulf: the boast-est with the most-est.

@dry_hugs That was one of the worst/best/what-est Trash Night movies I think you've ever shown and it was incredible.

@radbrain Ah! Carly! Happy Birthday!

@meyerweb Or! There's only one typo, and they're offering Beowulf-themed garage stuff, but it's a secret for the screen-reader crowd. A deal that's truly Geat.

(I refuse to use the subjunctive, because that dog is actually going to inherit that bean money.)

Sometimes I wish I was heir to a vast baked bean fortune, like that dog.

I have heard not one, but TWO separate instances of Saves the Day in the wild today! It's 2000 again out here.

Wow. 13 years on this hell site. Dang. I mean, when I joined Twitter, George "The W stands for war crimes" Bush was still president. That's... huh.

@Catshealdeprsn Source your pics. I think this one is: twitter.com/EricaFails/sta…

Ideas in Five Minutes 👖

@ryanqnorth I'm feeling positive, myself. I'm half way done!