OldFUTGuy

After saying to my wife “check out her cannons” tonight to every woman that walked by, she said that she can’t wait for me to forget about the JP Morgan story & then I’ll stop saying it. I mean game on not only am I gonna say it, I’m gonna say it a lot.

That Chelsea “corner” was almost enough to make me turn this FA Cup final off. Disgraceful.

Best thing about this epic Schwarber heater is that if MLB drug tested him, he’d only test positive for Uncrustables and good vibes.

Imagine if someone rushed up and shot him like Jack Ruby

first time the Stanley Cup has been in Philly for like 50 years and it’s in a fuckin ESPN promo

@nypost Nature is healing.

Kiefer Sutherland cancels tour due to ‘very low ticket sales’ as he laments ‘half empty’ venues trib.al/gBxKcz9

It is 2026 and we need to have a national conversation about deporting the guys that still yell “bababooey” at a golf event.

If said reaction was anything but vomiting then he’s the greatest actor to ever live.

@nypost If said reaction was anything but vomiting then he’s the greatest actor to ever live.

Bethenny Frankel reveals her new boyfriend’s reaction to her Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue shoot trib.al/XbeJKBj

Our generation didn't call in sick. We left the bar/club at closing time, slept for an hour, grabbed a coffee and a Marlboro Light, still smelling like a brewery, had the hand stamp to prove it, and went to work like nothing happened. We are not the same

I buried my father yesterday. Here are my tits.

I’m only stoked about this because it’s gonna piss so many people off.

Dogs are the best, but I assure you that my girl, Kate, is the best one. Better than yours. Or even yours. She rocks the most & I am going to miss her in the worst way.

So we went for a short walk today with her litter mate, Jack, who we’re sure is gonna be devastated when she’s gone. They have been connected at the hip for life, so we’re worried about his old ass too.

It’s been coming for a few weeks, but Mrs. OldFUTGuy & I have to say goodbye to Kate tomorrow. Vet is coming to our house so she can be safe at home & not scared. She’s 13 & had so many health problems that we actually were blessed with 5 years that we didn’t think we’d have.

Activist: "Your cows are putting carbon into the atmosphere." Farmer: "Where did they get it?" Activist: "What?" Farmer: "The carbon. Where did the cow get it before it put it anywhere." Activist: "From... eating?" Farmer: "From eating grass. And where did the grass get it." Activist: "The soil?" Farmer: "The air. The grass pulled it out of the air last spring. The cow ate the grass. The cow breathed some of it back out. It went back into the air it came from." Activist: "But it's still going into the atmosphere." Farmer: "It's going back. There's a difference between a thing going somewhere and a thing going back. You've described a circle and you're frightened of it." Activist: "Then just don't have the cow." Farmer: "The grass still dies in autumn. It rots where it falls. The carbon goes back into the air either way, just without anyone getting fed in the middle." Activist: "It's not that simple." Farmer: "It's grass, cow, breath, grass. Or it's grass, rot, air, grass. Same circle, fewer dinners. If that's complicated for you I'd stay away from the water cycle. That one's got clouds in it."

@JoeConchaTV he's the lefty version of the Spider Man meme

Never once in this puff piece does it mention that Adam McKay ****flies on a private jet*** between his estates in Los Angeles to Ireland***

@flapprdotnet the very definition of self unaware

"Director of "Don't Look Up" says smug white liberals are the worst." Gotcha.

Just got my first personalized ad with my name in it on LinkedIn and now I have to clean up all this vomit in my office.

People are more mad at Gillis and Hinchcliffe because of black jokes than they are at Chelsea Handler actually having a private intimate dinner with Epstein after he was already convicted of sex trafficking! We are a nation of retards govern by psychopaths!

911: What's your emergency? Me: A guy just got hit by a car we need an ambulance 911: What's your location? Me: (long awkward pause) 911: Sir are you still there? Me: I'm going to drag him over to Pine street and call you back.