“apocalypse of love & rage”

EXACTLYYYYY

this is why i’ve been crying for three days straight i guess

also gas pains

think period cramps/needing to poop right now pain/holding my pee too long all together idk

having a bad pelvic floor day by which i mean im hurting and something feels wrong and im having weird pressure and random pain spots so i dont know what is signaling what if anything

also feeling like i’m going to throw up

psychiatry is so fucking boring why haven’t we done like one single new thing since the 80s

come some PLEASEEEEEE come up with some kind of bipolar ii/bipolar depression treatment that isn’t another fuckass atypical that’s probably negligibly different than the last or so throwing antidepressants and a dumpster fire already prone to mania that doesnnt work either

worries which was nice because a lot of times the woman is out on the front porch sometimes w their dog and she never responds when i’ve said hi n always seems really annoyed with me being there like sorry your dog is loud and there’s a million dogs around to bark at not my fault

also was over by the grass and the people who moved into that house has like a jersey sized dog but he has this giant deep bark and he was outside in their yard n started barking and the guy came out front to dump a dustpan and i said sorry and he was nice and was like no-

okay just got up cause jersey had to go out just got outside it’s kinda hot which is fine i saw one of the gay guys that live nextdoor bring home several bouquets of flowers n rush in and i saw the other gay guy later in our walk walking their dog so it seems like a surprise :,)

to like some medical person/thoyght i was actually talking to the urogyn office but it dawned on me that she’s just some registration woman like okay and now ive never called back or called back for a neurologist cause every time i have a minute and remember it’s lunch or 5

back to the page later for urogynecology cause i was like oh silly me and obviously i was right and knew what i was talking about and also i was like wtf did i let her tell me what doctor i wanted to see i guess on the phone i just assumed since she sounded sure i was talking-

here’s the thing i called the hospital system and ig my appointment request didn’t actually get marked as the page of the specialty so the woman was like who do you want to see and i said a urogynecologist and she was like and why so i told her my concerns and i got like three-

to no one’s surprise since i literally have never seen a doctor or addressed anything im definitely still having some sort of pelvic organ prolapse

i need to stay on top of actually filling it since this woman old gives me 10 per month already

i wish i had more than 2 klonopin so i could take one of those too

taking an extra 50mg of hydroxyzine tonight and a second ashwagandha

@xnmrphfkr thank you :) ❤️

now that i’m off work and not doing anything and alone things are hitting me really bad again tonight i actually wanna kill myself so bad

nothing hurts more than seeing myself again in the same situation after getting better for a while.