Parental Misguidance

No call this week, see you next time!

My husband: we really need to cut back our spending My dog: absolutely, right after an emergency visit to the vet

If you come back from the pumpkin patch disillusioned and full of rage, you’ve done it right.

What normal people ask a pregnant person: Are you excited? What are you having? What I ask a pregnant person: Have you had the butt hole spasms yet?

At this point in my pregnancy showering is a full body workout

Hosted my first two playdates this week and both ended in head injuries to a child, so yeah I guess you could say I’m a pro.

Today I had to pick up my 3yo from school because he was "sick". Considering he yeeted my office, then ran around screaming and laughing, Ima call bullshit.

The sun smells like mint and rainbows. -my 4yo, the authority on everything.

Me: Why are you being so annoying today? 4yo: Because I love you. Me: Love me less. 4yo: No!

To the moms using their spit to clean their kid’s faces and style their kid’s hair in the school drop off line I see you. I am you.

Me: *muttering to the car in front of me* Move bitch! My 3yo: Mommy why you say bitch?

If you LOVE cleaning toilet seats have sons like a lot of them

4yo: I knowed that already. 7yo: It's KNEW that. Obviously you didn't know it since you can't speak properly!

I would like to take a moment the thank my 4yo for telling me he loved me and then hated in all in the same sentence. For a moment I was afraid it would be an easy day.

[bedtime] No one: 3: [digging in my arm] Mommy, I think there’s something in your bones I have to fix. Like an elephant or an orange or a cow or a star or ice cream or the moon or a cookie…

4yo: I will make you feel better. Me: Thank you baby. 4yo: I'm gonna be Mr. Nice Guy for 5 minutes. That should help.

Me: Eat your dinner. 6: But my belly hurts. Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later. 6: But I’ll feel better then.

Following my 4yo's harrowing escape from death via nosebleed, he barely survived going to school today because his shorts touched his booboo. Please pray for him during this difficult time.

I’m just a pregnant girl standing in front of a clothing store ask it to sell me a maternity shirt that doesn’t say Blessed Mama on it.

I can't go to school I will bleed to death! -my 4yo with a nose bleed.

*struggling to get her head through the arm hole of her pajamas* 3: Mommy, is this the head??