Mr. Dad

*On a family walk* Wife: *Stops to sneeze* Me: *Looks around* Why did you stop? W: I didn’t want to pee my pants M: W: M: Really? W: I can no longer sneeze and walk at the same time. You did this to me! #postpregnancyproblems

Today’s toddler meltdown is brought to you by not letting him play with the electrical outlets.

I love how my 3yo says “idea” rather than qualifying it as a “good” or “bad” idea before stating it. This always makes it seem like a good idea before the sentence starts.

3yo had a meltdown today because I wouldn’t let him bring a hose inside to wash his toys.

Had to tell my 2yo that we don’t nunchuck people while they are peeing in case anyone is wondering what it’s like to have boys.

24/7 these days

2yo just told our dog “great job” with a thumbs up for eating a fly. That kid is going places.

Anyone else’s spouse not let them fall asleep first? Or is it just mine?

Not to brag but my 5yo just told me I’m the “best fixer man ever,” sorry other dads.

In case anyone is thinking about having kids, my 2yo ran up to me like he was going to give me a hug and punched me in the balls and laughed instead.

5yo loves playing with his action figures but always roots for the villains and has them win and I’m a little scared now.

Todays meltdown from our 2yo is brought to you by us telling him it’s not okay to kick people.

2yo built a mega block “booty house” and I was very confused. Turns out it was a “birdie house” the whole time 😂

Anybody else get “Henry forded” by their spouse on Father’s Day? Wife: you can wear whatever you like as long as it’s this specific outfit for pictures later. Happy Father’s Day.

Me: *draws a duck for my 2yo* 5yo: *walks by* that’s a cool horse! Me: and this is why I’m not an artist.

Marked safe from a 30 hour road trip with a 5 and 2 year old.

It is the way.

My favorite wrong pronunciations from our kids: “Noot nacks” = fruit snacks “O bars” = granola bars “Woof woofs” = dogs

Parenting today means giving time measurements in Bluey episodes to our 5 yo. #parenting #dad

Had to tell our toddler today to stop eating his shoes…5 times Little dude, I promise the granola bar tastes better than your dirty shoes.

One day you’re cool, the next day you’re checking to make sure you have enough Tums to survive family pizza night.