Brian Parise

My first standup album has been released & you should check it out! (Link in bio)

@DebraDiGiovanni You’re so funny and great. Wish ya well!

#ThisWeekatGoodnights: Wednesday show with @parisecomedy + @IamChrisPorter takes on the weekend! Grab tickets: bit.ly/2N7PhlY

Hey if u got people in Raleigh, tell em to come out Wed night!

I wonder if people who hated Hitler ever wore Nazi-style hats that said MADE YA LOOK, JEWS ROCK

Me doing my favorite thing (talking pasta) with the wonderful Jackie Kashian.

@MykaFox This is almost the only thing I talk about.

Update: pasta is feeling very good in my body why is nobody talking about this

I just ate pasta did you know you could do that

Ok given Cuomo, Giuliani, DeBlasio, Scaramucci, and Avenatti, I propose we Italians agree to a 3-year ban from politics in exchange for an unproblematic holiday (James Gandolfini Day) and a promise from everyone to stop pronouncing “gnocchi” wrong.

@rajsivaraman @silkyjumbo For me, this is the real bombshell news.

@silkyjumbo Yeah - we never talked about this?? I used to go by DJ Brahms

Since we’re all spilling #royal tea, William used to come to the bar where I DJ’d at in college and one time kept asking me to play the same song (Groove Armada - Superstylin’). I told him “I just played it”. he just looked at me and I reluctantly played it again...

Me interviewing Prince Harry: “So, were you like...the Jack, or is that just a playing card thing? Sorry, I tried to prep for this by watching ‘The Crown,’ but I couldn’t get into it.”

Let’s bring back the mafia but they only kill people who don’t adequately salt their pasta water.

The most cheerful dream I’ve had in the last year was one where terrorists were holding me hostage in a room that had a fancy cold-cut vending machine.

@juliashiplett First time I’ve been subtweeted

When you absolutely light up the bathroom and then ur straight male roommate goes one minute later? Queen shit

Yoga’s been great for my mental health. I now refer to Depression & Anxiety as my Yin and Yang energy.

Today is when Klobuchar texts Biden about opening for him on the road and then never hears back.

Ok someone update our guy on Afghanistan

I hope J-Lo is aware of the dark undertones in that song.

@juliashiplett Ok date this person in character

I’m in hell

Ooo I found THE hot new platform for white nationalists. Anything goes, spread the word!

Imagine parkour not even being the worst thing about you.

Apple Designer: AirPods must be the absolute pinnacle of user-friendly design in every possible way. Engineer: What if someone drops the case? Apple Designer: I dunno it shoots open and the pods scatter 25 feet or down the nearest sewage grate. Engineer: On it.