Patrick

Babe, we've been dating for 6 months maybe you could put my last name in your phone instead of the name of the bar we met at

@joeyearle1340 @LeBatardShow @MichaelRyanRuiz @jtdalyart @gregcote @__ChrisCote @ChrisWittyngham @Stugotz790 This is fake. They were actually listening to ‘The Ballad of 1440’

Paul McCartney and Rick Rubin listen to timeless, classic stems.

@joeyearle1340 Why did Smurf and her adult sons have so much sexual tension ?

@spaghettisteph nice

Inflation is what happened to the Up house

@Skorzo60 Check ur dm

The biggest difference between Ant and Wiggy is that Ant can dribble...

this is the "fa" we were "anti", by the way

The law and order president will simply not stop committing crimes

@StugotzPRB You know what, maybe

They’re gonna get Cote on the Hard Network Out as the show fades out into eternity aren’t they?

@patrickmarkryan You okay bud??

When ur printer won’t work no matter how hard u try but flawlessly cranks out a crisp ink levels page u should be allowed to murder ur neighbor who plays the loud thumpy music all day

@CoachDanMullen Go gators but my god pineapple in sweet potatoes??? Calling the cops. For your own good, coach

“The losing presidential candidate’s motorcade drives through a crowd of crazed supporters protesting on his behalf, en route to play golf” would be a perfect cold open to the movie about 2020 America

@Skorzo60 Dare you to hang up one of these at the cabin

Do they sell posters of this? I’m redecorating my office.

If you are ever more than 2 of these 3 things at any given time, you’re doing the wrong crimes

You can tell how depressed someone is by how early they put up their Christmas tree. Desperate for a jolt of serotonin, no matter how fleeting it may be. Mine’s been up since 2013

They should test out an electoral college type system with other stuff. 4 out of 5 dentists agree this toothpaste is good but they all live in the same state so chew on this glass bitch

me setting my alarm after the new iOS update

@ManMadeMoon @softreeds Someone do it again with a smaller unit of measure. They’ll all be funny and I’d like to see them

@theprettybridge Apple: We noticed you’re wearing headphones, how’s about we whip up a text message with random words you say and threaten to send it to one contact at random. Would you like that?

@patrickmarkryan Apple: we found Veteran’s Day in your calendar. Would you like to turn off your alarm? Me: no Apple: ok Me: Apple: how about now?

this is medicine

In the United States of America, people are protesting “vote counting.”