Peter Wilkins

@AlisonMoyet Sadly. I've knocked on a lot of doors for the yellow lot. The level of hate is palpable. We need peace warriers

Yeah. These national poll results asserting some percentage of the population think this, or that, FACT, when nary a one has ever shown up round here wi’a clip-board to enquire. I reckon it’s like The Apprentice. 5 mates puffed up on 6th Form questionnaires. Eyeing up the prefect

You can tell it's laundry day because I'm wearing a Kaftan, flippers and a Viking helmet.

@emma_ctid93x I think you should say sorry to Pep and the boys. 😀

Come on City please prove me wrong and get that win!🩵

I love this ❤️ No matter how many times I watch it, I can't stop laughing! The reactions from the right one and the one on the left are hilarious... They're just trimming nails, but ("Next... it's my turn...") that fear is the scariest part, right? 😂😂

The planet is on a sustainable course, we have plenty of drinkable water and one day you'll be able to retire. #AprilFools

Remember if you want to try something different tonight, turn your clocks one hour sideways for British Surreal Time.

“Not yet,” I say to my short sleeve shirts and light weight jackets, to my shorts and flip flops, my shades and sun screen. “Be brave,” I whisper, closing the wardrobe door, “Wait for me.”

@BenGrahamUK If you had just taken a minute to look at the top of the box.

Britain has been a Christian nation for over 1,400 years. Through wars, plagues, and countless kings, Easter has always been celebrated. Yet now, Cadbury won’t even use the word ‘Easter’ on their eggs. When did celebrating British traditions become controversial?

@AlisonMoyet Well they could be carers in an old peoples home.

I see the proposal that retirent age should be raised to 75. My question is - Where are these jobs going to come from? Given that the young and mid-lifers alike are struggling to find work.

@richiecd The second one must absolutely be true.

@peterwilkins Snap (except the yodelling) Mine was: Elton John made me give him 50p I was arrested for armed robbery. I was in a film with Ray Winstone. Which is the lie?

Once for a team building exercise at work we had to play 2 truths and a lie, my lie was that I was a semi professional yodeller and no one guessed that was my lie. This was a devastating blow from which I have never recovered.

@richiecd Oh no, you have me and my gce English grade c doubting ourselves, is I a first person singular? Is myself?

@peterwilkins Are there a lot? I’m not even sure that was English! Oddly I kind of understand the joke (I am??) without knowing what a first person etc, is.

English nerd joke coming up. Wait for it. Here it is. Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?

If my highly entertaining stories have taught my Granddaughter anything, it's that my Irish, Welsh, leprechaun, pirate, and Australian accents all sound suspiciously similar.

Greetings my Twitter lovlies.

@richiecd Plenty of urge, precious little luge.

@peterwilkins A 24 hour luge? Long time since you had an urge?

Once every four years I finally get the 24-hour luge television coverage I so desperately crave.

On the next "Unsolved Mysteries:" I investigate how there aren't enough hangers for the clothes I just washed when they were on hangers before I wore them.

"Just be a Westley in a world full of Humperdincks."