doug dimmadildo (36DDs)

More like Planet Fitness dick in ur ass

One time I was wearing a short dress with no panties and a bee stung me in a….sensitive spot. So now I always wear underwear 🙃

Question about sex: how do you decide who gets fucked in the ass first each time?? Rock paper scissors or like a coin toss maybe??

I don’t want to be perceived in my day off

I bought a shitty little electric toothbrush and the vibration on it is stronger than my vibrator??? I don’t need an earthquake to clean my teeth my god

If you’re one of the people that hacked Canvas while I was trying to do my final exam…..can you slide me an A in physics?? Much appreciated

I hate having a crush because it’s like oh, you didn’t text me back within the timeframe my ego decided you should have? I’ll just go die then nbd

The devil is hungry it seems

Did a 5k this morning and some jackass that had their phone blasting slow country music decided I would be the victim they pace near the whole time 🫠

It sucks when your friends have ugly babies because what am I supposed to say? “Omg they’re so cute!!” Like no, it looks like a gecko that got left in the bath too long. Put it away!

Liability shmiability I miss when we let dating show contestants drink as much as they want

You ever see someones bumper stickers and think you know *exactly* what the driver looks like? That happened to me today except I was correct.

Plum wine is one of man’s greatest creations oh my goddddddd

Just spilled lemonade on my lap…now I have to pretend I peed my pants smh so embarassing

Eating sushi and drinking a pink beverage from a martini glass is so healing to me

Crouching so I look like a gargoyle

Ate a roll of lifesavers breath mints for dinner today

People always talk about the craziest moment of Flavor of Love being when Somethin shit on the floor but what about when Hotlanta had to get her mouth inspected for herpes and instead of just telling her the results they had Flavor Flav read them out at eliminations??!??

Brb I’m making an iphone keyboard sticker of my mugshot

I think a section of hell is where your eye itches but your eyeliner looks too good to scratch it