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@silverarm0r @dyingscribe True love is a mutual kink for each others shadow selves
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Jeremy the therapist
33.1K posts
Jeremy the therapist
@psychfox
Jeremy Fox: therapist, academic author, dispeller of psychology myths. I specialize in EMDR and resilience. comedy + psychology facts, maybe not in that order.
United States Katılım Ağustos 2017
1.1K Takip Edilen4.2K Takipçiler
@JoshuaLisec As a Christian, I am amazed I’m still capable of being surprised by the 4d chess levels of Christian humble bragging. It’s exquisite.
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@callanable I would love to chat longer about this in dialogue on a space. There’s much truth to this take, and I know a lot of healing can come of spreading it
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I apologize, but I'm going to dip into some dating discourse. I never talk about "the apps," but after years of seeing men complain about how easy it is for women to get "matches," and women complain about how hard it is to find a man who will commit, I think they're both describing the same problem from opposite ends.
I've been thinking about this for months. men who are chronically single and women who never are—what do they have in common?
I think the crux is: scarcity mindset leads to scarcely compatible pairings.
to speak for myself, I've found it hard to stay single, and frequently dated men who'd never been in a relationship before. I didn't intentionally seek out inexperienced men, but over and over again I found myself in the role of "first girlfriend." hmmm!
everyone in this pool of desperation has such low self-esteem that they will settle for almost anything. the chronically single man's self-worth has been eroded by years of rejection or feeling invisible. the never single woman's self-worth is defined by being chosen, doesn't matter by whom.
the pairings look complementary from the inside:
- his inexperience feels like a blank slate to her—she will be the patient one, the one who can teach him to love her the way she's always wanted, without comparison.
- her willingness to date him feels like a lifeboat to him—he doesn't ask himself whether he wants her back, he just feels relieved.
both are misreading desperation as devotion, not entering the relationship from a place of choice.
the never-single woman thinks this time it'll be different. her experience is an asset, she's done so much inner work, now she has the tools to make this relationship succeed. but experience picking at the same wound is not the same thing as growth.
the always-single man thinks this might be his only chance so he has to take it. he is overwhelmed by the relationship—the intimacy, the expectations, everything—and he always wonders if it's actually right. he has little if nothing to compare it to. so he stays, but never fully commits.
this is how you get those long, drawn-out "dating" relationships where the woman is asking for commitment and progress and the man "isn't sure."
they're together out of mutual scarcity and fear—she's terrified of sunk cost, he's terrified of being trapped. she stays because leaving means admitting she wasted years, again. he stays because he doesn't believe anything better exists for him. neither stays because the relationship is actually good.
and in modern dating, it's normal to live together for years before you're "sure." it's normal because many people have entered lukewarm relationships and are scared to leave because they don't want to be alone.
we hear countless stories of 27-35-year-olds in ambivalent 4+ year relationships. then we apply theories like "insecure attachment" to the people in those relationships, never considering that those relationships may actually be legitimately insecure.
two sides of the same coin. scarcity mindset on both sides.
Callan@callanable
as a member of one side of said coin, this is 100% true :(
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@Son_of_Mars_III Can confirm
Jeremy the therapist@psychfox
@kenzietuff that’s sad, it’s the same in Protestant churches. “Silly rabbit, church is where you go after you’ve sowed your wild oats and settled down with your ‘good enough’ spouse, so you can help us build out our nursery and private school.”
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This mentality is also massively present in protestant churches. You're not allowed to outright say you are looking for a wife (in fact, if you are known to be, it repels women; any woman that responds positively is a "pick me"). You must be passive as a man to find one._
Mack@kenzietuff
Man posts in local Facebook group, moving to area. Asks which Catholic parishes have thriving community, would be best for single man to attend- “is successful + seeking wife soon” + same faith is priority. Entire comment section berating him. “Church isn’t for dating!”
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@kenzietuff I called that out in a post and was told that as a therapist I should realize that crying on camera is “the only way some people can find community.” No, it’s not. It’s not even a viable way to MAKE COMMUNITY. It’s a sick exhibitionist impulse to signal for pity.
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There’s a perverse and self-serving motivation that so many are driven by, when they defend sexual sin. Why is THAT the most forgivable, relatable sin to these people? It’s very telling just how much sexual activity and promiscuity is excused by the church now, way more than adult video content is. Mainline Christianity today intentionally appeals to former “chads and stacies” as a way to pack the pews with aspirational cool people who used to fuck.
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@hispudd1n I missed out on the mystery dungeon and ranger games. I have at least one of each mainline original game, but not the offshoot alt-format offerings
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Jeremy the therapist retweetledi
@eileenjan A lady with a weapon is not to be taken lightly
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@JanJekielek We male therapists must remind our clients that positive/aspirational masculinity exists. Men need role models to grow into their potential.
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What is arguably most crushing about all this is that the bride-post is so cynically, obviously LinkedIn-style ragebait, using Christianity to leverage visibility, laundering anger into engagement. Some things should be sacred and it’s clear we’ve reached a peak level of degeneracy where induced voyeurism is the norm, even from Christians.
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Just call these the anti-depressants of the 90’s
Video Game History@VideoGameHstry
Electronics Boutique Christmas video game ads (1998)
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Psychological scientist J.D. Haltigan told me the feminine impulse to be empathetic has been weaponized.
“We’ve come to basically hijack the feminine ethic of care.”
“And if a society becomes completely feminine, all kinds of chaos will ensue.”
“Because you don’t have any sort of rule-based, lawful, statistically-minded, quantitatively-focused orientation to why we have laws, why we have rules, why we need order, why we need immigration law, and so forth.”
“Masculinity is what will track, personality-wise, with systemization, and femininity is sort of the analogy with empathization.”
But this feminization has become dominant in many areas of society with major effects.
@JDHaltigan
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@psychfox I feel disgusted by men whose highest moral call is coping w the fact they couldn't hold their libido & settled w someone who they'd certainly not settle with, if he had just a little more self-awareness & self-control
Tho it tells more about their own sense of self-worth, none
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Posting this in a time where men's morale is at the all time low, rightfully frustrated with the level of bullshit that Boomers let come out of the Pandora's Box for the last 60 years isn't wise
Could we just please hold degenerate people accountable, both MEN & WOMEN, for ONCE
Trevor Sheatz@TrevorSheatz
My wife was formerly promiscuous. I was a virgin. She was then radically born-again. Committed to church, evangelized constantly, Puritan books in her bedroom, prayer journals, grief over past sexual sin, etc. We got to know each other well for over a year, dated for four months, engaged for two and a half, and didn't sin sexually with one another. Our first kiss with each other was at the altar on our wedding day (reaction pic attached!). We've been married for over five years now, and she's been the most wonderful and godly wife, mother to our three children, and homemaker you could imagine. She's more pure than most virgins, as biblical purity has less to with past sins (though they certainly matter) and more to do with one's current posture of the heart and daily decisions to honor the Lord (Matt. 5:8). We're far too quick to forget the story of the woman labeled as a known "sinner" (likely a prostitute) in Luke 7:36-50 who was washing Jesus' feet with her tears while kissing them too. The Pharisees were shocked that Jesus let a public sinner do this. Jesus responded with a parable about debts being forgiven and ended with this powerful conclusion: "Her many sins have been forgiven; that’s why she loved much. But the one who is forgiven little, loves little" (Luke 7:47). Everyone seems to highlight the benefits of virginity, and it certainly is a blessing. But we forget to highlight the benefits of being forgiven much as well. My wife knows the depths of Jesus' forgiveness more than most people, enabling her to more easily live out a life of passionate love for her Savior. A woman or man's past sexual sin matters. But what matters far more when it comes to deciding who to marry is if the person is truly born again, if their repentance is real, if they truly have a heart for Christ, if they truly follow Jesus and obey his commands. "God has chosen what is foolish in the world to shame the wise, and God has chosen what is weak in the world to shame the strong. God has chosen what is insignificant and despised in the world — what is viewed as nothing — to bring to nothing what is viewed as something, so that no one may boast in his presence. It is from him that you are in Christ Jesus, who became wisdom from God for us — our righteousness, sanctification, and redemption, — in order that, as it is written: 'Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord.'" (1 Cor. 1:27-31) "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has passed away, and see, the new has come!" (2 Cor. 5:17)
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@vrilliumlive Freud has a lot to say here. Failing your Electra complex stage = you want a daddy you can f_ck, same as men who fail the oepidal complex stage (creates man-child syndrome and mommy’s boys).
GIF
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Gen Z women just straight up want a dad
sarah˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚ ❀@babooshke
Guys my boyfriend put his credit card in a magic wand and took me on a shopping spree for my birthday 😭
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Relatedly, the effort to say that all BPD is CPTSD is alarming. There is an effort to name trauma “the original sin” of all human emotional evils, which is so patently false. It makes sociology our god. It teaches people that humans are basically good, which both Freud and Christ would reject.
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In psychopathology research, they edit out authors who suggest psychopathology might be a consequences of genetic & biological factors in addition to social factors. It can only be the "racist environment" that leads to people exhibiting psychopathology.
Robin Hanson@robinhanson
Lost tenure for publishing this sentence: “Results converge on genetics as a potential partial explanation for group mean differences in intelligence.”
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@kenzietuff that’s sad, it’s the same in Protestant churches. “Silly rabbit, church is where you go after you’ve sowed your wild oats and settled down with your ‘good enough’ spouse, so you can help us build out our nursery and private school.”
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Man posts in local Facebook group, moving to area. Asks which Catholic parishes have thriving community, would be best for single man to attend- “is successful + seeking wife soon” + same faith is priority. Entire comment section berating him. “Church isn’t for dating!”
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Jeremy the therapist retweetledi
@magdajtaylor Would love your analysis of this. My thoughts:
most of these (assumed) straight women don’t view each other as romantic options so they see one another as beautiful queens on a camaraderie level and don’t know/care what men actually find attractive in women.
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@kenzietuff This is a LinkedIn post. The length, the ragebait, the moralizing: all of it is LinkedIn coded.
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