randy

muhammad ali: float like a butterfly jellyfish: done muhammad ali: sting like a bee jellyfish: i am nailing this

@dovlomir more people live in iowa than in albania. i already knew this and definitely didn’t google it

@randyfactory Albania is a country, Iowa is a state. Geography isn't hard when you look beyond your own borders, which Americans are famous for not doing ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

exec: so she fucks the bee creator: haha what no not at all exec: creator: *under breath* she definitely thinks about it tho

crazy how ur appendix is just like i simply do not vibe with u anymore

@bunnytunnels counterpoint: why arent people talking about shrek more

@randyfactory Why is everyone talking about shrek so much

hey remember when shrek used his giant green hands to take the helmet off his giant green head and fiona was shocked to find out he was an ogre

@FireBeets that is so sick

@randyfactory first

@corpserot_ thank u ultemecia the time witch

bartender: can i tell u about this IPA me: i’m a 26 year old white male bartender: [nervous] c-can u tell me about this IPA

me: eat this food baby: never me: the food is now an airplane baby: “never” was a strong word

coors: our beer is different. it’s cold me: the other beers are cold too coors: how can u be sure me: they’re in refrigerators coors: yet their cans have remained the same color. seems very suspicious

[outside a cage the elephant show] |￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣￣| | FREE HIM | |＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿＿| \ (•_•) / \ / --- | |

@GoonerFields my old account is gone so i’m bringing a few of my favorites back. sorry if the 3 seconds it took to read this joke inconvenienced you, tim

@randyfactory This was funny the first time I saw it.

billy joel: she’s an uptown girl me: where has she been living billy joel: ur not gonna believe this

@_jennatural back like i never left

@randyfactory Me: where have YOU been randy

@SimonRosth @GayWithBroadway nah i know i don’t think either of us copied the other, i just wanted to get it out there before ppl start accusing me

@randyfactory @GayWithBroadway Not saying you copied him or vice versa, just noticed a similarity

some guy a long time ago: it’s my birthday friends: nice. what if we all sang u a song about it while we all stare at u guy: i would hate it friends: oh ya we would too guy: perfect. let’s do that forever

@SimonRosth @GayWithBroadway complaining about the birthday song isn’t exactly an original idea, but i wrote this a year ago on my old account. i just searched and his tik tok skits weren’t posted until november

@GayWithBroadway @randyfactory I think it is

@gina_goldberg how bout this. we put the fire hazard on top of food that everyone will eat and then i’ll use my own spit to extinguish it

@nyquills everyone: what about u captain america: shiny frisbee

Captain America: Thanos is coming what's the plan Tony Stark: new suit Cap: nice Thor: lightning axe Cap: love it Hulk: STRONG. SMASH. Cap: oh yeah we got thi- Hawkeye: Arrows. Cap: Hawkeye: like, a LOT of fucken arrows.

@alouettev i am once again asking people to stop accusing me of stealing my own tweets

how was “philosopher” ever a job lmao like was socrates sippin wine on a balcony somewhere drunkenly slurring shit like “to find urself, think for urself” with a crowd cheering underneath him like fuck yes socrates another banger this man will not miss