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LBC Staff Meeting [37]:
Exec: “Good Morning, All.”
All: “Good Morning, Sir”
Exec: “Well, these are interesting times, aren’t they?”
[Silence]
Exec: “I said THESE ARE INTERESTING TIMES, AREN’T THEY?”
All: “YES, SIR.”
Exec: “Good, that’s better. Now, let’s talk about the state of UK politics."
O’B: “Sir, are we still supposed to be supporting Sir Keir, I quite fancy that Zack fellow now.”
Exec: “Brien, you idiot, we support both, on alternate days, read the fucking memo, eh?”
O’B: “Yes, Sir. Sorry Sir.”
Exec: “Monday’s Keir, Tuesdays Zack, Wednesday’s Keir, it’s not hard is it? The Golden Rule is that we slag off that black Tory woman, Farage and Trump at every opportunity.”
Exec: “On that front I must say our Little Henry Biley…”
Henry Riley: “It’s ‘Riley’, Sir.”
Exec: “Remember, I listen…”
HR: “Oh.”
Exec: “Little Henry has been doing a great job exposing some minor Reform misdemeanours and blowing them completely out of proportion for us.”
HR: “Oh, thank you, Sir.”
Exec: “But we’re giving you a break from that. Thames Water have discovered a huge blockage in the sewers under Tower Hamlets. It’s been formed by a mix of congealed ghee, chicken bones, dhal and human waste. They’ve labelled it a Masala Berg. They think it will take two weeks to break up and we want you to join the team working on it and report progress daily.”
HR: “Um, Sir, I really don’t fancy doing that, I’d rather not if you don’t mind.”
Exec: “Well, the alternative is covering for Natasha in her PMQ slot with Brien for the next two weeks”
HR: “So where exactly do I find this sewer blockage, Sir?”
Exec: “Good lad. Now this Chinese spy malarkey…”
Nick Ferrari: “Ah this is good, I was planning on doing a major piece on this. I’ve lined up Barry Gardiner for a grilling.”
Exec: “Oh, you idiot, Farrago, we are not going anywhere near it. It could be hugely embarrassing for Sir Keir. I’d rather you focus on some obscure Reform council’s parking charges. Plus it’ll put at risk my monthly free lunch at Wong Kei’s, round the corner.”
NF [Quietly]: “You daft bastard.”
Exec: “So please all of you focus on Trump. Ramp up the hate and lies. Brien will be running a lunch time seminar entitled “How To Hate and Lie Effectively And Yet Still Seem Like The Good Guy” and Ben Kuntish…”
Ben Kentish: “It’s Kentish, Sir.”
Exec: “You’re wasting your breath son. Ben Kuntish will be issuing a set of Guidelines he has written called “You want to be an arsehole: Here’s how.” He’s been studying Brien very closely. One further item you need like to watch is Simon Marxist's video tutorial: “How To Make It Urgent: The Art Of Hyperbole.”
Iain Dale: “Do we have to?”
Exec: “Yes, Stale, you have to. One final note. If you get a weepy Iranian on the line praising Trump or Netanyahu, especially ones who have family in Iran, make out the line’s bad, cut them off, generally mock them during and after the call. We have a list of friendly Iranians who we can call to refute all their claims so get them on straight away after you’ve cut off the whiner.”
NF: “That’s fucking sick.”
Exec: “I know, good isn’t it? Right, I have a lunch time meeting at my pied à terre with Hannah Spencer, a copy of the Qur’an, a bottle of camel piss and a whip. Dismissed."
#OBINGO
#OLBC
English
