RelentlessEm

This is not a post I take any joy in making, and I wouldn’t be making it if I felt like I had any other choice. For those of you who don’t know, I took an unplanned break from regular content creation due to my mental health absolutely tanking, largely due to the effect that an incident with @BortStreams had on me. It took me months to actually talk to anyone about what happened, and it’s taken me even longer to feel confident enough to post this. So, in light of recent conversations, I really want to talk about this encounter, and how it has affected my mental health and the way I interact with others at events. A few months ago, I went to the Fortress karaoke event after DreamHack and at this event had a run-in with Bort that very quickly went from bad to worse. A little while into the event, when I was heading to the bathroom, he physically stopped me by grabbing my arm as I walked past, talking about how much he wanted to kiss me. I told him that I wasn’t interested and, thinking that was the end of it, walked away. Not long after this, I saw him attempting the same behaviour with other women at the event. Later he came back to me, and persisted with trying to get me to kiss him which escalated to asking me to take him home with me. I continued to say no to this. He carried on asking and pushing for me to kiss him or sleep with him to the point of begging, and I continued saying “no”, reiterating it over and over. Let me make it very clear: I did not consent to any of Bort’s behaviour. There was no indication verbally or physically from me that I consented to anything occurring, and his intoxication is neither justification nor excuse to ignore my "no". Instead of accepting the fact that I’d said “no” and very clearly didn’t want anything to do with him, Bort sat down, pulled me over to him, and groped my ass, persisting further with attempting to go home with me. I really wish that I could say that I reacted at this point. Instead, I froze because I didn’t know what to do or how to react. All I could think to do was leave immediately and get myself out of the situation. He continued asking to go home with me, and wouldn’t leave me alone until I’d physically left the venue. It took me a long time to even talk to my closest friends about this and let them know what happened. The subject only came up at first because I was feeling extremely anxious about going to an event and possibly having a run-in with Bort alone. It took me much longer to give them any details. I had done a great job of convincing myself for weeks that it wasn’t a big deal, no one would believe me if I did speak up, and that it was even my own fault I had been groped. This is obviously not the case - it is a big deal, and the discussions I’ve had behind closed doors have really empowered me to speak up about this. Despite the immense support I’ve received from friends, it’s been incredibly difficult to come to terms with my experience. This, horribly, has resurfaced memories of similar experiences, especially relating to times I have not been believed. This has affected the way I’ve interacted with online communities as a whole. I’m more reserved now than I ever have been in the past. I’ve become severely anxious at events, to the point where I have come close to cancelling well in advance as a direct result of this incident. My friends who I attend events with shouldn’t have to be concerned about how I’m going to cope with him showing up. They shouldn’t have to be worried about the possibility of me sitting in a bathroom having a panic attack over the thought of running into him. As I said, I take no joy in making this post, but it’s been weighing on my mind enough that I feel it’s time to speak out about it. I don’t care if he was too drunk to remember any of what he did. I don’t care for whatever excuse he has to justify sexually assaulting me. I care about the fact that if I don’t say something, this could lead to someone else becoming a victim too. I care about the harm that this experience has done to me, and I care about the potential harm it could do to others. I’m sick of being silent, and I’m sick of being too anxious to speak up. Nobody should have to hide as a victim of this kind of behaviour. No one should have to go through this and be afraid to speak out. Right now, for me, silence is not an option. I’m hoping that by sharing my own experience with Bort it may help people to feel less alone. I hope that this can give others the courage to share their own stories. Be strong, look after yourselves and each other, and thank you for giving me your time while I share my experience.