Ritz O'Husky

@_TommyMason Yeah, but look at the brakes on the Ferrari. ;)

Left, Ferrari Luce $645k Right, Nissan Leaf $35k

My wife sent me a message consisting of nothing but emoticons. I accused her of Talking Like an Egyptian.

Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight. There would be mass confusion.

If Dwayne Johnson studies his family history, is that considered genealogy or geology?

I signed up for my company's 401K but was a little nervous because I've never run that far.

@Latentem He did make a lot of bread off that show.

"Baker" 🙄

Ever notice as something increases in price the color names used to describe it get progressively exotic: e.g. from beige to khaki to desert sand to champagne gold to morning pueblo to Australian Pliocene Eggshell?

@eclectic_evntde My place or my place?

He's still here! And still wants a girlfriend!

There's a movie coming out called Zero to Zero. I hear the movie had a very tight budget, so it doesn't have a score.

We tend to judge people by how much they've learned by forty: maybe we should judge the same people by how much they can unlearn after forty.

I was experimenting with bacteria in a petri dish, and someone stole it when I stepped out to lunch. #RealCulturalAppropriation.

If you were looking for Star Wars puns from me today, you were looking in Alderaan places. But who knows, maybe this post will blow up.

"You know what you look like to me, with your good bag and your cheap shoes?"

Some people at work were bragging about how they've never Hula Hooped their entire life. I told them they've been out of the loop for far too long.

@JoanneMason11 Sheet just happens sometimes.

I talk a lot of smack for someone who managed to punch herself in the eye trying to fold a fitted sheet.

@June1966Allen @dieworkwear Reading Dostoevsky or Tolstoy could cure or kill these youngsters.

@dieworkwear It's the result of dumbing down and short attention spans, as youngsters can't follow sentences with multiple clauses (or nested structures); nor can they follow parallel trains of thought that reinforce one another to reach a conclusion. Plus they're scared by capital letters.

Why do people write tweets like this? Where every sentence gets a new line. Sometimes a line might have two sentences. Like this one. But generally speaking, every sentence has a new line, making a tweet look like a long block of text that no one reads. Worse still, such tweets are often repetitive and winding, hammering on the same point over and over again. The writing is often very bad.

While I don't live near a coast, I do experience high and low Tide periodically. Time to go get some more.

If you're against capital punishment, does that mean you can never start a sentence with the word 'punishment'?

@rydudebro That's so cold--and funny.

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@614clinton For next time: 'Backwards alphabet the' is saying the alphabet backwards.

Last night I was coming home from the bar, and I got pulled over by a police officer. The officer said, "Good evening sir. Do you know why I pulled you over?" I said, "I guess you're probably checking to see if I'm drunk." The officer informed me that I was correct. He said, "Tell you what, my shift is ending soon so if you can say the alphabet backwards I'll let you go." In a clear and calm voice I said, "ZYXWVUTSRQPON MLKKIHGFEDCBA" The officer seemed impressed, and said, "Wow, I couldn't do that sober." I said, "Me neither! "