Rob Clarke

So here’s my idea for the opening credits of the Scoot and Master Show. I wonder what network I should pitch it to? ESPN, Animal Planet, BET? I hope someone picks it up ― after all, Scoot works for doggy treats and for me it’s a labor of puppy love.

The initial consultation at a back alley de-donkification clinic in Tijuana always involves a thorough examination of the animal’s prostate. There's a theory that it's the organ that's responsible producing all those nasty donkey hormones.

Perhaps a little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your pants is just what you need in these foolish times. robclarke.net/blog/f/april-f…

Happy April Fools’ Day. Watch your back, just in case some wicked prankster such as yours truly has you in his sights.

Initially, WigWag and TicTac thought their penis cages were a hoot. But when they discovered the ingenious devices were tamper-proof, could fry their do-dads with a powerful electric charge, and be used to punish other bad behavior, they were truly “shocked”.

After Mooner and Banjo got fully donked, they ended up spending the rest of their lives carrying fat American tourists up the mountain sides of some rocky Greek island. Ironically, their Pleasure Island getaway was the first time that either of them had set foot abroad.

Today, being International Mermaid Day, got me to remembering this drawing that I donated years ago to some stupid benefit auction, which sold for less than the amount I paid for framing it. Oh well, at least somebody, somewhere out there, got a nice frame.

I like to fancy myself as the Jacques Cousteau of homoerotica . robclarke.net/blog/f/under-t…

Check out my website to see my exploration of the aquatic arts. robclarke.net/blog/f/under-t…

Happy International Mermaid Day! Don’t fret — it’s an inclusive event that embraces mermaids, mermen, and everything in between. How will you be observing this sacred festival?

They say that “Dude” is a language one speaks with one’s hands, sort of like Italian. Indeed, dudes are always fist-bumping and high-fiving one another. After all these years, I still have no idea about the proper usage of the “hang loose” and “sign of the devil” hand gestures.

Vanity, thy name is donk. Pleasure Island guests can’t stop checking themselves out after they’ve gotten their sassy new tails. Fortunately, the park is full of fun house mirrors and shiny surfaces for them to gaze into. And in a pinch, a puddle of tears does the trick.

Often when a Pleasure Island escapee arrives at a Tijuana clinic, he discovers that while tail docking is cheap, it’s the anesthesia that costs you. Any donk that has undergone the procedure will tell you that the concept of animals not feeling pain is a big fat lie.

Speaking of transformation - did I ever show you this sizzle reel of clips from tv shows and movies that have spun my wheels since I was a wee wizard? I like my men powerless, and my transformations humiliating.  What’s in your collection?

Ears, tail, and donkey cock— that’s the magical trinity of transformation. Someone should tell this clueless artist that if he draws donks without donkey cocks, they are no donks at all.

The backwards baseball cap is de rigueur on Pleasure Island. There’s no other fashion statement that shows one’s donkitude with as much panache. I always scoop up a few discarded ones at the pens near the loading dock as keepsakes before heading home.

“Yes, yes, we see your asshole, you sassy donk. Very nice.” The dudes are so free-spirited when they arrive on Pleasure Island, but rest assured, by the end of their stay, they’ll be thoroughly ‘cowed’, or rather, “donked”.

Unlike Noah’s Ark, where the animals are paired off for the purpose of procreation, the Pleasure Island donks are partnered because it takes an even number to pull the Coachman’s wagon.

Young gringos know where to go south of the border to get their donkey shots. Mexican doctors are just as good as those in the US, except they don’t accept insurance. They also ask fewer questions and are less concerned about trivial side effects.

"Spring is sprung, the grass is riz, I wonder where the birdies is?"

Pleasure Island uses “The buddy system” - a wickedly ingenious arrangement where two donks, the "buddies", are paired so they can monitor and inform on each other. It’s an effective way to ensure good behavior because if one ‘buddy’ is naughty, both get punished.