rob from online 📱

mechanic: you used subpar fuel which corroded your injectors and intake manifold me: uhh english bro mechanic: low quality gas damaged your engine me: dumb it down for me kemosabe mechanic: bad go-go juice make your vroom vroom machine all fucky me: oh no

“humans aren’t monkeys”

if twitter dies I’m just gonna roll up all my tweets and shove them into a blowgun and shoot them at your heads

@HelloJessicaFox curse you

@robfromonline Forgive me, they were so delicious and beefy

@HelloJessicaFox ooh he's gonna love that

@robfromonline Mustache bows

Spent all morning racking my brain about whose birthday it is today because I didn’t want to be a jerk who forgot their own friend’s birthday and anyway I finally realized it’s Nietzsche 🙄

@HelloJessicaFox ok now you're just making fun of my failed dolphin wig business

@robfromonline Maybe they should wear wigs

@HelloJessicaFox @Ryan_Duncan @Clayvage 🫡

@Ryan_Duncan @Clayvage I will never salute you, major malfunction

Mens’ favorite hobby is lying to me

@HelloJessicaFox can't i'm too busy reading united states supreme court cases volume 137

Learning new and fascinating things

Can I pet your dog? Is he a schnauzer? Yeah. What do you think he dreams about? Haha I just mean do you think he dreams he has hands? Human hands? To touch your face? Do you think he dreams about feeling the curve of your cheek with his human hands? Or whatever?

@HelloJessicaFox i don't think you want to know

@robfromonline just tell me you dingus

my most toxic trait is thinking constantly about cotton eyed joe and what was going on there but refusing to google it because I feel like I can figure it out on my own

@Clayvage @HelloJessicaFox i actually am an expert though

@HelloJessicaFox @Clayvage i've seen a few in my time

@robfromonline @Clayvage You men think you’re such penis experts

@HelloJessicaFox @Clayvage he's right

@Clayvage oh that explains some stuff actually

@HelloJessicaFox @Clayvage i have an opinion: giant stripey worm

@Clayvage Ha peer pressure wins again. For the record I have not seen that movie since I was 9 so I have no opinion

@Clayvage @HelloJessicaFox mom can you pick me up i'm being owned online again

I would have thought the worst decision a young single person could make is to drink four jagerbombs and fist fight a bear in a broken elevator or something like that but apparently it’s “getting a dog”

@HelloJessicaFox i'll never forget the day you first said that to me 🥰🥰

@robfromonline I say, “hey you 😏😏 you look like you’ve reached a point at which you’re willing to be realistic about what sort of person you’re capable of attaining and here I am”

@HelloJessicaFox please. my options. they are very limited

@robfromonline Well what the heck is that supposed to mean actually