Sam Spar

@doordash is the only delivery service jn my town and they just banned me for no reason. don’t have a car so fuck me I guess

after over a decade and $1000s of dollars, thanks @DoorDash for deactivating my account with no help or reason why. nobody can give me any information and they keep referring me to an email I never received. They can’t even find a record of sending me the email. DONT USE DOORDASH

you don’t have to take my advice about anything at all but for the love of god, never ever ever fly @Delta. literally canceled my flight home without letting me know so now I live at the airport I guess. Garbage airline.

i could listen to @iamjohnoliver say marshmallow all day

it's weird staying in a standalone home. after 15 years in new york i have a weird engrained fear of disturbing my neighbors. like i'm always on my tip toes and my volume is always at a 4. please help.

never thought i'd be sitting on an air mattress at 8am on a saturday actively and audibly rooting for @beverleymitchel to make it across a ravine but here we are.

do i give my driver a bad rating for driving over the median? or a good rating for assuming i was in a hurry and doing what had to be done? because yes it was horrifying but also i was on time.

i would like to offer my hand in marriage to the person who had the courage in an arby's marketing meeting to suggest "we have the meats." i know it's not a new slogan. i just really love it. and i think this person would understand me. thanks for listening.

you snooze, i eat half your pancakes, fucker

do you read those “employees must wash hands” signs as an instruction to the employees or information for the customers?

so strange how everyone is just exactly the same

"i wanna see your support bra, not support you" is a really underrated line.

listen i try so hard to be patient with people but when you're giving me a very long alphanumeric code over the phone and ten characters in you suddenly say "i as in edward" you are testing me.

is there a way to bulk remove kanye from your spotify playlists? i keep listening to old ones and he pops up and i don't want him to get the .00001 cent

youtube.com/watch?v=eDwi-8… sorry but stevie turning to face lindsey directly while she sings this song will never not be the most badass thing.

my favorite thing about past sam is that i (apparently) used to create joke playlists that literally nobody else would ever possibly see. WHO WAS THIS FOR?!

@LauraJaneGrace girl same

idk i don't really have words for this i just miss him youtube.com/watch?v=kqRUyk…

in a way dino nuggets truly are dinosaur nuggets. given the ancestry and all.

@JoeListComedy just for the look

I should have tweeted this during the oscars last year but I just remembered the Will Smith lyric where he brags about holding a cigar and not lighting it. That is the fucking dorkiest rap lyric of all time. What a stinker he is.