Señor Winces

Turned down some guaranteed sex tonight. That was a subtle masturbation joke.

@EddieAlfano I was hoping it would be the last tweet ever and I could sell an nft of it for some cryptocurrency.

@senorwinces You came back for THIS?!

And for my next act, watch me crash a SpaceX rocket into a Tesla.

Note to self - Save time by whacking off in the confessional booth

My friends keep arguing for a trip to Amsterdam. I keep arguing that we can just as easily get weed and hookers right here in Brooklyn.

Ever get unfollowed by someone you couldn't wait to unfollow back?

Local grocery store shelves are bare. Prepared to kill and eat my neighbors if need be. Looking at you, Stephanie.#blizzardof2015

t's funny how as a kid you can't wait to be an adult and as an adult you can't wait for the sweet release that death will bring.

."Sorry I haven't been tweeting much lately" is a the most unnecessary apology ever.

Great. Now all the hipsters in Williamsburg get to brag about how they got Ebola before everyone else.

My only problem with Boardwalk Empire is the prosthetic teeth they stuck into the actors playing young Nucky.

Deleted Instagram. It's just easier to look down at my cat or up at the sky.

Told my neighbor to get back on the horse after he failed at quitting heroin.

I'm old enough to remember when people paid for U2 albums instead of googling how to delete them off the new iPhone.

To be fair, 95% of NFL players don't beat their loved ones unmercifully.

No one looked good in the 70's except for Farrah Fawcett in that one poster.

"My band used to open up for Rage Against the Machine but I don't think they liked us". "Really, what's your band's name?" "The Machine"

My Better Than Ezra cover band is better than Better Than Ezra.