Jared Talks

Fuck you I’m the most pleasant person on this bus

I’d be nice to strippers. They’d like me.

I convinced myself that my throat was Lou Gehrig's disease. Didn’t have trouble swallowing though so figured it’s alright.

There’s a really hot def girl on TikTok. I think about her a lot. If she got really mad at me it wouldn’t affect me at all.

I hate everything but vodka

Ugh of course you miss radio shack. Just go to Little Cesar’s instead.

I don’t have friends at home. I love it.

I bet it’d be really easy to date someone who’s def

If I was bi I would definitely prefer women

I’m 28. It’s all reruns from here.

Garlic sticks? Oh it’s gonna get bad.

If it’s not double stuffed I don’t fuck with it

I’m a nice guy. People like being around me. What can I say? Are you gonna tell me I’m wrong? Yeah I thought so.

I like my steaks well done. It feels more dead, which is what I want.

I watched ET once as a kid. It scared the shot out of me. I wished the alien would die the whole time.

(Watching The Bros. Landreth) This sounds like if the wiggles were a blues trio.

My piss was lime green, so figured it was time to drink a bottle of water

You guys aren’t gonna believe me but I had a dream two days ago that Red Bull came out with a Chicken Parmesan flavor. Swear to God. I was running from the cops for some reason, ran into a gas station, and there it was.

Wait I know what a panini is!!! It’s an Italian dessert right?

I accidentally ate tofu once