shosh brodman

I don't think "House" was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called "Hospital"

Dating a boy be like

Guys should I get the cucumber water or the gay hockey water?

I know it’s just a stupid Hallmark holiday but I really don’t want to be single for another 9/11

What if I piss? But darling, what if you shit.

down bad, babe?

She Joey on my chest til I nut (pretend I tweeted this on July 4th)

Just found out my mom insisted on a c-section so I wouldn't have the same birthday as her ex. I am genetically petty.

Therapist said I have the meanest self talk of anyone she's ever worked with. So, confirmed, there's a list...and I'm winning!

Just realized no one I've dated identifies as a 'sapiosexual.' Not sure I'm smart enough to know how to feel about that

@Brittymigs hahahahahahaha

Was Tiny Tim ever like “uhh can you guys just call me Tim??”

@dietz_meredith Omg

as a redhead. i must get my body ready for this kind of skirt before october

Me emailing my constituents after staying out til 4am in Bushwick

Little red riding clitoral hood

@dietz_meredith How often are you talking about a bris?

a bris? call that circ-ed du soleil

@Brittymigs BRITTANY

the project is called my pussy

@dietz_meredith Hank hill

i love family time. no one on their phones. just my little sister putting objects on the back of my leg and making me guess what they are. vibing

Street preacher using an autotune karaoke mic like he’s Charli XCX

@dietz_meredith I STAND BY IT

my friend keeps trying to say “this is a stick up”

I hope the male loneliness epidemic eats you maga scum alive. I hope you feel a hole in your soul and feel unloved until your dying day. I hope you rot in your deathbed wondering why women looked at you like you had rabies your whole life as your eyes close for the last time.