simonbarnes

I know some of you may think I’m showing off, but when you work hard, you deserve to treat yourself. I can’t express how happy I’m feeling right now. White was the only colour they had, but it doesn’t matter. I’ve just bought these four garden chairs and can’t wait until summer.

@simonharris_mbd Red Dwarf

I know it's a long shot but does anyone know what a trebuchet is ?

I was on a train and this woman opposite looked at me and said “Every time you smile, I feel like inviting you to my place...” I asked “Are you single??” She replied “No, I’m a dentist.” #MondayMorning

This is a picture of my Hawaiian pizza. It should have been cooked at aloha temperature...

My wife called and asked me to get the chicken thighs out of the freezer. I told her we don’t have any chicken thighs in the freezer so she said she’d check when she gets home- your thoughts and prayers are appreciated

ok this is my limit

I’m thinking of organising a hide & seek competition. But good players are so hard to find... #thursdaymorning

“Please don’t make me go into space again!” #VirginOrbit

I went to see a UB40 tribute act called ‘WD40’ last night. They were a bit rusty at first but got better as the evening went on…

Went to the national Helium Museum ... I really can’t speak highly enough about the place! #SideSplittingSunday

I saw Sinead O’Connor in a birdwatching hide yesterday. I asked her what kind of activity she’d seen... She replied “It’s been seven owls and fifteen jays....” #NationalBirdDay

I was once in a band called ‘The Radiators’, we were a warm up act. Then I joined ‘The Duvets’, we mainly did covers. After that, I was in an outfit called ‘Cats Eyes’, mostly middle of the road stuff. Now I'm in a group called ‘Missing Cat’, you may have seen our posters...

Kazakhstan language is the sound of diesel engine trying to start up in -40 degrees

Subscriptions >>> bit.ly/viz321tw

I bumped into Depeche Mode in Tesco and they handed me a small bag of Babybels... “What are these for?” I asked “Your own personal cheeses”. #thursdaymorning

My friends name is ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ It’s pronounced “Noel.”