iron princess

fuck it, go get that tramp stamp boo👅

ye, that means everybody can smell my hooha

pro tip: if you can smell yourself a little bit other people can smell you alot

😭😭😭

wait i failed fuck

here’s the flow for creating a new trip, under 30secs and you’re in 🥳

avoidant mfs when the person they like finally likes them back

smokers watching Jesus leave after turning water to alcohol but not turning grass to Cana

when mercury retrograde sends you a test and you pass

This is definitely Top 3 most retrograde-y Mercury Retrogrades that I’ve experienced in a while lmao

My daughter texted me from a party: “Mom, do we still have ice cream at home?” We don’t. That’s the code. “Ice cream” means: come get me right now. “Cookies” means: call me in five minutes with an excuse. “Nothing” means: I’m okay. She said ice cream. I didn’t ask questions. I didn’t text back. I just grabbed my keys and drove. When she got in the car she said quietly, “People started bringing out things I didn’t want to be around.” We drove home in silence. Every kid deserves a way out without having to explain themselves first.

He printed me a “date night vending machine” so every week we can do something different. I ❤️ nerds!!

this reminds me of this story i heard of a guy that rubs tina snow on his condom when he’s having sex with his girl and that’s how she got addicted to “him” and when he left her she legit almost died from withdrawal and didn’t even know what drug she was fiending for