Whitney Goodman, LMFT

It has been such a long time since I introduced myself, so I wanted to take a minute to re-introduce myself, my work, and some boundaries/reminders. Hi! I’m Whitney Goodman. I am a Florida Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and the author of Toxic Positivity.

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There is one thing I want every adult to know: If your childhood was chaotic, it wasn’t your fault.

I have heard adults reflect on their childhood + blame themselves for pushing their parents into alcoholism or addiction. I’ve watched adults try to rationalize why their parents routinely hurt them, and they always end up in one place: it was my fault. I was bad. I caused this.

Childhood is chaotic. You are experiencing everything for the first time & constantly learning. Your emotions are big & often uncontrollable. You look to adults for guidance and understanding. And if the adults cannot ground you during the chaos, life can become unmanageable.

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Parents are unsure why they need to apologize. Adult children are looking for answers. Words like boundaries, gaslighting, and narcissism have become part of the conversation and a generational divide deepens.

I really think we abandon families during one of life's most challenging seasons - adulthood.

If you want your adult child to have empathy for how hard it was for you to be a parent, you have to listen & try to understand how hard it may have been for them to be that child.

When parents refuse to acknowledge their role or take responsibility, it can be traumatic on the extreme end. And, it also inhibits connection and empathy. It's hard to stay close to someone who won't try to understand you.

The adults I work with almost always try to develop empathy for their parents throughout the therapy process.

Being tough is great. But rejecting help + keeping everything inside isn't strength. Sometimes it's just a mask because it feels better to say "I don't need anyone," than to say "I'm afraid of letting someone in because they might let me down, so I just do it all myself."

If you respond to hardship by being "the tough one," you may think people who show their emotions and ask for help are "too emotional" or "too dramatic."

a theme I notice in therapy: people with a "be strong" response to distress (doing everything, not sharing, pretending not to be bothered) can become resentful of those who show their emotions and ask for help.

If you're holding it all in and doing everything yourself, you may look down on others who are getting help/support. Looking at them as dramatic, needy, etc. helps you reaffirm your "strong" position and avoid the painful feeling of being alone and/or feeling misunderstood.

Everyone deserves support when they're struggling - even the "strong" ones. Real strength includes knowing you have the capacity to help yourself and you will benefit from outside support.

This behavior is often dictated by an inner core belief about what it means to be strong. "Strength means I can do it by myself." "Weakness means I need help." "I can't do this and I need someone to save me."