sniffles

You know tiny desk concerts… I’m just like why don’t they get a bigger desk

You buttheads just made a big mistake

One time in highschool they thought I was high and they took me into the office and said “breathe in this cup”

I ain’t a snitch but I’ll tell

I asked my mom if we had ranch and she said “Ranch? What do you think I’m a fucking billionaire?”

I hate when I see a feather on the ground and it turns out to be a very convincing leaf

*my homie so obviously not okay “Is he okay?” “Nah he’s just tweakin on the floor”

Like if I pooped right now it would just be a miserable wet nightmare

Modelo with gum in my mouth

No that was the time I broke my pinky at church

Sasquatch killed my cousin

I’m fucking starving and I want liquor

Just a grown man with a pet hermit crab

You ever need tips on selective hearing I’ll invite my mom over. Fucking professional.

You tryna trade burps later?

I was sitting on my phone and it vibrated my taint and it scared me

Our father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name

I wouldn’t wanna hitch my wagon to that star

Guitarcial arts