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reminder that I am a LICENSED GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING MINISTER

still one of the funniest things I've ever seen in my life twitter.com/snazzmania/sta…

new obsession: google image search results for "black metal christmas"

isn't it weird how every time Mitch McConnell enters a room everyone hears the Darth Vader theme without any music playing

still wondering why the fuck there's a snapchat cookie cutter in my house & where my fiance even got it

pharmacist asked the standard "any questions?" when I picked up my antacid & I said "pshh I'm not an idiot, crush them all up & snort it"

@mikethedevine related, a logo I made for my car's bumper in ModNation Racers (PS3)

I am extremely disappointed I didn't come up with this first, extremely my brand in a nutshell. possible next tattoo twitter.com/mikethedevine/…

about to take a bomb-ass shower

@lothornberry wasn't fun

excerpt from my resume: "dropped out of college but I've read like TONS of Snapple lids"

anyone else have recurring nightmares of not getting texts out in stressful time dependent situations because of autocorrect fucking up

goats are basically an irl video game clipping glitch

@Yelix seriously, unless you gotta be like "was that a gunshot? nah probably not" it doesn't count

@hamsandcastle I KNOW

@hamsandcastle the person I was talking to even knows what Newgrounds is. what the fuck

Smash Mouth's "All Star" is 18 years old. that song can legally buy cigarettes and join the military

just walked out of the bathroom & my fiance shows me this pic, I asked where she saw it & she said "I searched 'Guy Fieri USA'"

@rainstormily @TweakySqueaky yo I just hit you up too

"she used to rap while wearing trash bags and caution tape"

not many things make you feel older than having to explain to a 20 year old who Missy Elliott is