space_whaler

“And the serpent said unto the woman, Ye shall not surely die: for God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil.”

Jacking off in the shape of the alphabet to see what feels good

The evil stepmother? More like evil mother who stepped up

They’re going to call it seis de mayo after I’m done with it 😈

For sale: baby shoes, worn once (baby funeral)

I put the bonar in carbonara

Stupid fuckin subway worker keeps spraying his alpha pheromones on my sandwich and it’s upsetting my wife and

What if Lee Harvey Oswald’s body just did that

Wow remy really did just force linguini on that woman Not cool dude I can’t even look at you right now

New basketball overtime rules: every player on the court, each basket is worth 20 pts, punching is allowed but each punch landed deducts 2 points from your team

Oh I’m hitting my protein goal at chipotle, just not in the way former Mormon prophet Thomas Monson would approve of

Quietly riding in the back of my uber with growing concern as the driver’s phone continues to give him directions in an increasingly breathy voice 😟

Had a dream where I was heath ledger joker at an ammunition store and I had to convince the shopkeeper to sell me ammunition despite the fact I was very obviously and visually the joker

Am I too old to be the villain in a porno

Taylor Swift’s most problematic age gap romance was when she wrote and performed “Santa Baby” for Saint Nicholas of Myra (1719 year gap) Not to mention the out of wack power dynamic she held over him being a pop star and whatnot

Am I circumcised in your dreams?

Why do bad things (having to pee) happen to good people (me)

I bet the reason that they dont allow you to eat a churro in the MRI machine is because my pleasure centers would light up so bright they’d melt the technician like in raiders of the lost ark

What is it about busy highways that attracts so many small critters to sleep on the side of the road?

They should make a Mountain Dew called amperage that kills you

They should make a Lego flower that dies when you forget to water it